i think we're live so matthew how are you doing i'm doing terrible oh but okay you're looking good you're looking good oh thanks uh you know and it sucks when people ask you that when you're going through some stuff and they're like so how you doing you're like oh man like do you actually want me to pull you into my depressing ass story or is it like i'm doing good but i'd be lying i don't want to do that either i need to add that to the to my ledger you know what i'm saying so i got to say well not so good could be worse could be oh yeah if he weren't good it could be worse and that's a terrifying a terrifying thought well you still have your chipper sense of humor we were chatting before we went live here talking we were talking lots of highbrow sophisticated topics the arts people couldn't have handled it no no no wait they're not sophisticated for the for my listeners so yeah well we'll have to build them up to get to get them to that level and we can drop some some truth bombs of that magnitude on them but we're being silly we're being silly but uh i am very happy to have you back in more ways than one you know yeah i took a year off uh i didn't talk to anybody for a year you know and uh so if i'm a little extra crazy and weird uh you'll know why because i'm i was in hermit mode wow did you gain anything from it was it like a spiritual thing no i just it was backsliding backsliding laziness laziness i i had a private conversation with you and the lizzy brothers about my little backsliding with temptation with uh i talked i just talked about it on my last podcast that i did with the catholic ninja he was my guest today i thought i talked a little bit about it how there was sexual temptation because of the video game and i talked about that like that's just that's just uh you know it was the most dramatic example because the demons came right in and they were like they're toying with me until i got to until i got to confession and then bang they were gone but uh that's just the most dramatic example but over the year it's been rough just because of general lethargy and uh laziness and i didn't have access to the sacraments now i've started reserving my spot i'm one of 10 people that can sit in the church and go to mass instead of watching it on the internet because i don't get much out of it on the internet like i do a spiritual communion every morning every night but sitting and watching the mass on the internet it does not melt my butter i can tell you that i'm frustrated and annoyed because i want the sacrament i want the body blood soul and divinity of jesus christ that's why i want to be there i don't want to be sitting at home yeah it's not the same yeah and i don't like the fact that the government is controlling the church and i don't think it's right that 250 people can go to a movie theater but only 10 people can go to church i don't think it's right and here in quebec it's crazy so i don't want to complain about oppressive governments but you know they're just trying to do what they think is right and blah blah blah i have sympathy for them but it is annoying it is really annoying why do we only have 10 people in church these churches are huge in quebec they're beautiful they should we should have you know we should let as many people in as want to come in because it's never packed in any of these churches but now you have to reserve and it's just there's no need for it there's absolutely no need for the churches are in crisis financially anyway in quebec in particular in canada in general and i think worldwide there's a lot of uh there's a lot of crisis of vocations crisis of catholics that are just lukewarm they don't do the minimum they're not participating in their faith as they should and so there's already a crisis in the church so i don't think we need to exacerbate it by having the government clamping down on it but it is what it is yeah so did you make it did you make it to mass this morning i sure did yeah yeah it was pretty cool uh well you know uh his first time visiting the place so i don't know it was it was it was cool i got to go there with my my dear friend ernie who i believe is a saint saint ernie saint ernest uh he's a very uh a very godly man you know and uh but anyway so it was good to go and spend some time with him and uh you know he's been helping me along i've been going through a lot of stuff and he's uh just shows up with just kindness and grace and helping me out monies like here you know it's amazing you know to have people like that in my life you know wow so uh yeah he's been great and he's he's awesome he's 75 and he's like a badass uh commercial plumber guy like he works with me and he still works circles around all of us and uh he's just he's just such a good deer man never says a negative thing about anybody nice yeah but anyway amazing yeah i want to get him on and i asked him but he's like oh no i don't know about that you know he's just like i wouldn't have much to add you know no no no no no i just want to hear your story no no no just get him just get him on uh if you have to we'll do it like what we're doing right now but he'll be sitting beside you and you just hold the camera yeah just keep it simple keep it simple yeah keep it simple great make him comfortable get him a little glass of water a cup of tea whatever he needs to feel comfortable take his bathroom break before we start talking and whatever i work i work with an 83 year old or 84 year old or whatever he is and he's a construction guy mechanic and he's got a lot of skills got a lot of tools at the shop where i work and he's he's like a father figure for me he's an old italian guy special forces italian special forces back in the day he served his country and he's tough as is he's at least as strong as i am and i don't claim to be strong physically but i don't have a lot of physical physical work to do at work but occasionally i help him and he's uh he's a tough little guy very simple wholesome old-school european character really love that vibe gruff you know gross yeah yeah that's cool love that me too love it yeah those guys are are cool and they have a lot of wisdom too if you you know they'll drop some truth on you every now and then you're like what the that was awesome sorry lots of wisdom yeah don't worry about the f-bombs that's all right i think the people today can handle it yeah i'm trying to i'm trying to stop swearing myself because as as you know uh i've never really been able to get a handle on my swearing when i do the podcast i'm pretty good at not swearing but in my day-to-day life uh around around the construction guys or around my wife it's just like it's just part of the banter you know yep yeah i know what you mean i enjoy it but uh i keep telling i keep telling my priest that i i want to make it a priority to stop because i know it it probably offends god a little bit right i don't know i hope not let's just say that's the least of your worries right now yeah yeah absolutely so uh tell us uh how the how the mass was did you were inspired at all or was it was it feeding your soul did you did you crave the eucharist do you do you want to go to school yeah do you want to go to confession too yeah i actually do i need to i still took the sacrament today uh and it was good and that it was uh the the homily was not very um it was okay and it was it was on point how were you able to take the eucharist that seems impossible to me well see this is how this is how so when i went to confession this last time yeah and i told this guy everything okay and he said you're forgiven of all of your sins including my uh you know the divorce the adultery yeah everything loose flash everybody out there yeah i totally ruined my whole life committed adultery uh a few months ago so i'm in really bad spot but anyways we can talk about that more later um but yeah so i you know if he has the authority right he's sitting there in the place of christ and he said i'm forgiven of all yeah wipe clean and i believe him yes i don't think i don't think i have to and and now that my other marriage is coming to an end it sucks how it's come to an end but it was already kind of a um a band it wasn't an authorized marriage anyhow so i know that i can go and have it annulled uh there's there's a process i can have both of my previous marriages annulled and be fine okay good yeah oh that's very good that's really good was this your uh indian priest that you told me about before no this uh no he's uh this was a spanish guy older older spanish guy uh one of the because they kind of travel around a lot they get shuffled around at st the saint teresa's in carson city a lot i don't know if it's like that everywhere but yeah um uh but when i when i was a kid and i was baptized by this guy father jerry hanley and he was like he took the church from like 25 people to like over a thousand were coming and they had to he he was powerful and he was there my whole life so uh i mean he just he just retired and that was 40 years you know he he baptized me 40 years ago and he just retired because he started getting dementia but he was i guess homilies did he'd have people bawling every wow you know he he was an amazing dude and he was like an old like steel worker from like detroit and he like you know so he's like a hard dude you know but he got like the calling and i quit quit his per career and and wouldn't became a priest but anyway so i was always used to having the same guy around but now it's like there's there's different people all the time i don't really like that but yeah i agree yeah i don't understand why they would do that the church the church is under attack and so uh we've got a crisis of uh not enough young people responding to the call to the priesthood for example and uh not a lot of very if you know maybe a shortage of really devote faithful priests and uh equality might not be there sometimes uh i don't want to disparage the priesthood the there are many many many very good priests but uh yeah there's a crisis in the church the church is under attack from within and from without yes so uh they're the priests are really overworked uh overworked and underpaid they get moved around a lot so that's the way it is that's the way it is right now we have to accept it but i'm really excited and happy for you uh that you're getting the sacraments yeah and i mean i don't know if i found a loophole and the guy screwed up or whatever but i'm taking this word for it i'm going for it man well yeah i mean the main the main concern is that you uh that you're in proper full communion with the church you agree with everything that the church teaches last time you and i spoke about doctrine you were way out in left field like way out in left field doubting the trinity you cannot take the eucharist if you don't the trinity you know what i mean so uh well if you if you affirm that the apostles creed right you got to affirm the apostles creed as a bare minimum yeah yeah i'm i'm there with that okay i mean i'm in on that 100 percent no i i am so that's that's where i can say uh that well maybe you needed to fall to to come back to god uh because you were really way out there oh dude i was listening i had demons in my ear the last two years you know that whole process when i talked to you before before i went to that first retreat and i was freaking out yeah i mean this has all been because i gave in to uh demonic uh i put myself out there and i took the bait and i started flirting with things yeah and very very subtly um my entire life was unraveled my beliefs were attacked uh my faith um you know it just ate all of that away and then led into uh you know depravity yeah and uh you know things you know i never thought i would do what i did and i never planned on i was a very faithful man for about a decade to my wife and yeah you know i was in bonehead and had whatever made mistakes or something like everybody but um i was i was trying my best to be a faithful christian man following christ's example in my marriage and as a father yeah but um but yeah that you know uh flirting with those things will destroy you and i i could have told you that but um it was very subtle the enemy's very very subtle and then all of a sudden there's something on your and then it grows and grows and until it's something that's out of control it's it's uh it's beyond you and then it's just you're you're you're sunk and then uh they they uh they reel you in and throw you on the deck and get you in front of everybody and just expose you and and all the bait you know was a cheap rip-off like i was telling you earlier i just realized i sold myself out so cheap like a cheap i did i totally did and it was disgusting and everything yeah not satisfying wasn't like oh i had a great time and all this pleasure and stuff it sucked all of it even even in the yeah it was just like the realization it's like you've been played like like an idiot by yeah you know and yeah and you're you're barely human at that point you're like a you're like a doll or a mannequin or a robot or in a trance or something you're like you're barely human at that point when you're uh when you're spreading your legs for satan it's just like it's not uh it looks good maybe it looks good in a slick film like a promo promotional film promoting uh kinky satanic sex maybe it looks good in the promotional materials because satan's very subtle and a slick salesman but when you're actually there spreading your legs for him it doesn't feel good it doesn't feel good physically it doesn't feel good spiritually it doesn't feel good in any way whatsoever and you just uh you're barely human like i said you you're drifting away from life at that point and what when you come back to god when you come back to jesus christ and you go back to the church in the sacraments in prayer and you have the peace and you're able to actually take a moment with god whenever you want to because you have that peace there there's no price tag for that i mean you you know you made the right decision to come back you know you made the right decision to repent and to to be honest with yourself of what a dirty horror you are i think i see this as a real uh victory for you a real victory for you and i had my little mini victory uh because of covid falling and then realizing what a loser i am and so on and so forth and uh we need to be broken god enters through a broken heart right he needs he needs he needs access to your heart and he so you're gonna break your heart and you you'll do it the demons will help you to do it and uh it's the easiest thing in the world to fall and should be broken and then christ can pick up the pieces but at least you allowed yourself you humbled yourself and you were honest with yourself and you're able to come back to christ in this church it's it's a miracle really you should be jumping up and down right now no no yeah i mean i i when i came to that realization that um because of course once you do that um then the voices turn to uh you know god god is done with you don't even don't even try it you know and even i was believing i believed it but when i came to the realization a week or so ago that i do have that opportunity that god still does actually love me and is pursuing me actively like he's after my ass he's seriously you know and just surrounding me uh with certain people and it's just it's obvious it's thankfully obvious it's like whoa that um so when i came to that realization i cried for two days straight man just i was just a uh a puddle on the floor like seriously just puddle of snot and drool and uh tears man and i had some some real solid faithful christian brothers around to uh help pick me up and they're checking on me making sure you know i'm just surrounded by these armies of guys but when i was out out in the world um it was crazy how i was just getting surrounded by the devil's people it was crazy you know instantly instantly um oh man it was so ugly and disgusting and demonic and and these these women or whatever that were coming my way all just happened to be wiccan and pagan and into all of this same stuff like by random and and it was like doing uh doing magic stuff doing and it was an actual and i've always i doubt that stuff and when people talk about it because there's a lot of out there the fake like the ouija board or tarot cards and stuff how it can be a childish game and be total but i'm telling you like that there is something real to all of that and stay the away from it because um i've seen i i've met in my little wandering uh real actual uh witch someone who actually could do some and it was really terrifying and messed me up um and now and that was where i was put i was flirting with that stuff and it's like oh here you go you know and and i i can't say the details because this is public stuff but yeah it's it's very scary very um oh man uh it's real so anyone anyone thinking about towing with that stuff uh because i toyed with it before and it was like nothing it's like but i'm telling you like i could recognize clear as day now uh who that was that i was dealing with yeah that spirit or whatever it is well what would you say to someone uh a skeptical atheist who's very complacent about his own sin and like robert white for example he's always making fun of us because we believe in god and satan and and uh he he thinks we're crazy to believe in the demons but you and i have had first-hand experience with them now what is why uh i think absolutely i think i think cs lewis talks about this how when you're doing satan's will he doesn't really bring out the fireworks and reveal himself in a dramatic way but when you're in the spiritual battle and you're you know you're ostensibly on the side of jesus christ and he can tempt you and bring you into sin we have more capacity for seeing the reality the reality of those demons and it's more dramatic whereas if you're just doing satan's will anyway he's just happy to let you be in a very comfortable mundane situation where you think ever that all that stuff is laughable just like you looked at tarot cards and said it's laughable right yeah exactly you could just exist with that perspective you have blinders on and i gave in to the whole atheistic thing i was talking to aaron raw you saw my interview i was basically kissing his ass uh and then i i bought into all of that stuff and now i look back and it made sense and i was like oh it's because you can uh it you know they say reason and rationality it is but guess what it's still false it's man's reason and it's it's blinders and like just like you said um that's that's the best spot for you to be in is as complacent and um uh what's the word uh i'm thinking of when you're just willfully ignorant of something uh oh uh apathetic torture like doesn't that's the best place to be yeah they don't have to do anything they got you right right right in the best place but when i was thrown out there and i could see it i saw i saw the trap that i was in that atheistic uh rhetoric that they have it's it's it's it's brainwashing and it's just like it's it's uh i saw it for what it is and um it's just a trap and it's a trick and it's all now yeah yeah yeah we can see terrifying there's terror out there it's yeah yeah that that darkness yeah it sounds sexy and it sounds cool though bring it on it's terrifying it's it's there's nothing good about it nothing nothing sexy about it yeah it's uh yeah it's it's the worst terror that you can imagine way more terrible than all of the medieval artists tried to come up with dante and all that yeah it's worse than any of that stuff it's just that darkness is it's terrifying it's had a couple of little tiny glimpses of hell uh hell here on earth like hell and my own existential uh uh drifting away from uh from virtue and i'm just talking about you know a couple of days where i had fallen and then i needed to get to confession but i was still suffering from having let open the door to the demons i had a little little taste of hell um some people some of the saints have a really strong experience where they're transported to hell and they have a prolonged experience and even the little shepherds and shepherdesses of fatima the little children of fatima they were shown they were shown hell and their lives changed and they were just uh saying stay away from uh love of money stay away from stay away from sexual sin and pray pray for the conversion of of those who are on their way to hell because there are many many people on their way to hell and they need your prayers to be saved they need your prayers to be saved now someone like aaron raw would say well how would god allow these people to to be lost but for the prayers of their fellow men well that's the economy of salvation we we're part of god's saving plan we have to pray for each other and if some poor fool is on his way to hell and you don't pray for him it could have been that you could have been instrumental in bringing him the graces he needed to be saved and if you didn't then that's that's the way the economy of salvation works it doesn't it doesn't mean that god's ways are not fair it means that our ways are not fair we we are betraying god he's never betraying us but part of his economy of salvation involves us praying for each other praying for the intercession of the saints and so on and so forth so uh we have to uh we have to be aware that hell is real and a lot of people that we love are maybe on their way to going there what what do you think the numbers are like in terms of uh the world because you went out into the world you were living a worldly life for a little while uh are we outnumbered those of us who absolutely who say yes to christ are we outnumbered absolutely yeah and uh uh yeah absolutely i mean the uh did hold on a second uh nice avatar yeah i got um uh when i was out and about and and i and like you said we can see through kind of a different lens and see i don't know some people can or can't or whatever but i could see the same uh god dang it dude my dad keeps trying to call me um i could see that demon i could see that around every corner in the bars lurking staring at me through the eyes of some of these people and they'd come and talk to me and someone would have the same the same message like like like uh part of the same conversation like a homeless guy would come up and start talking to me and then and then somebody else and it'd be like that same that same thing picking up picking up the same conversation yeah just walking down the street man and uh downtown reno one night um and yeah it's everywhere and the people are just laughing and drinking on their way to on their way because it's the darkness man it's the this that uh this void the the abyss or whatever it is is it's it's palpable you can feel it you can see it and it's so it's terrifying and these people are completely blind and there and there's that demonic presence is there just ah but putting putting that that that illusion in front of them putting that veil in front of them and like you talked about that veil i think um and then we we see the veil lifted off and just see this ugly disgusting thing that's underneath it and it's just um yeah so we're we're very outnumbered and i think that the masses are are definitely like it says under the sway of the power of the evil and the prince of the power of the air dude they're doing their thing and they seem to be doing well you know but we but like me like i know now like they don't have any power that you don't give to them you have to give it to them like you you give in to the lie you give in to your lust like in james it talks about we're lured by our own evil desires and that's all it is we're easy marks and once you start um it overtakes you and you can't even see it you know so i i am very fortunate that god's allowed me to um not go into total blindness or into that um that type of deception because i mean i was pretty much there uh completely deceived in every way uh you know all over again but for somehow you know i would just uh someone would randomly also speak light into my life and uh kind of lead me out of it and show me show me for a second what i was really playing with uh you know like oh this is what you wanted now you get all you want buddy and i'm still i still kind of feel like that you know like when they were wandering in the wilderness and they were bitching about uh no meat and then god's like oh you want some meat do you i'll give it to you tail it's coming out of your eyeballs and coming out of your nose and that was me like i thought this lust and this this pride thing uh here now have all you want and i have these these girls and i knew it was the voice of the devil like they're the they would all say the same oh you're so talented oh you're so good looking you're so like just stroking my pride in my ego and it's all it's all rooted in pride is where they where they attack you well at least for me uh uh and they were all saying the same thing it was so eerie to where i was like just shut the up i know who you are yeah uh you know because they're almost like childish the the demons you know they have a child like a childish way to taunt you in a way immaturity yeah yeah and i could and i could it was it was very very eerie to see that same thing coming yeah but even in that it scared me kind of straight in a way yeah because i'm like okay this is real but i still i still felt like i couldn't get out of it i was like oh well you know god's given me over to a debased mind and here i'm done but uh he's pulling he's pulling me back in so that's good but i'm not i'm i'm still not i'm still not right and uh yeah yeah i still feel the pull uh because now that i've opened that that uh you know pandora's box or whatever it is like i don't know i don't i'm not gonna make it but by the grace of god yeah yeah i know i can't do it so we'll see what happens i remember uh a couple of nights being like in a feverish uh state when i was tempted like i opened the door for satan because of sexual imagery in this video game i was playing yeah and uh i lost my peace i lost my ability to pray like you used to say like your prayers bounce off the ceiling and uh i was just drowning like just drowning in the demonic darkness and uh hideous sex and violence imagery uh including incest and everything else like yep uh about you know i won't go into details as disgusting but um you know i could stir that up again like that's a type of thing where the demons know i like certain types of sex and violence stuff not in reality but in my mind i'm able to be lured by this sort of stuff right yep and uh never experienced it in reality i had one girlfriend it was a bit crazy and she wanted me to beat her up during sex i said no that's not what i'm into right so it's never been it's never been a thing i'm sure if i had if she had persuaded me and i'd gotten into it i'm sure it would have been enjoyed it you know um meaning lust could be stirred up right but um no the the point that i'm trying to make here is not to brag about what a disgusting cigar center i am but to to to talk about the the the when you're in that state when you're drowning like there you don't god as a apparently god's of no help to you whatsoever at that point like i mean you're just like drowning in the darkness and uh the only thing that kept me positive if you want to say or hopeful is like i gotta get to i gotta get to confession i gotta get to confession i know i know the power of confession i've felt it you know many many times many times but i was desperately in need of it i just said on such and such a day my next opportunity i'm going to go i'm going to get confession i'm going to get the eucharist and as soon as i got absolved from my sins it was like a great weight lifted off me i had clarity i was able to pray and uh it's it's just it's a night and day thing when you're drowning in the darkness it feels like god can't help you or he won't help you but yeah you have to remember that you're in a position in a compromised position that you put yourself in willingly that's the whole entire point you put yourself here willingly and now you have to suffer through it you have to suffer i just told myself look i don't care they could do what they want with my mind they can send all the images they want into my mind i'm gonna try to pray i would find myself going along with the images like oh that's interesting and i would go with the demonic images fantasize about something disgusting and then i'd say well i gotta i can't that's not good i gotta prepare myself for confession and i gotta reach out even though my prayers aren't working i have to at least try to reach out because if i don't at least try to pray when i'm being seduced by these demonic images and turmoil if i don't at least try then maybe i won't even have the desire to keep my my my date that i fixed in my mind where i'm gonna go and get the sacrament so it's it really is up to you it's up to you it's it's all about the will it's all about your will are you whose side are you on and uh you make that choice fundamentally you make that choice and you know it you know when you you know when you're choosing to be selfish you know when you're choosing to indulge in in darkness and there's absolutely no excuse when people when the saints talk about uh judgment day and your particular judgment they all say the same thing they all say that you won't have any rebuttal you won't have any come back to god because you know he's just showing you reality and you know that you chose that you know that you compromised yourself you know that you heard yourself out cheap super cheap and there's absolutely at that point there's nothing to say there's nothing to say other than thank you for uh giving me a second chance a third chance fourth chance millionth chance whatever it was yeah absolutely god is good he is in in that way i mean but yeah you're totally right but i mean i felt um like after i did what i did uh initially um i felt god because i was in all this quandary like oh is even is you know is god even real is any of this uh does christianity even represent who god is and um i was i was in confusion or is he even with me you know but then when i fell and he turned his face away from me for a minute and then i was like i knew what the the gift that i had and then i was questioning and i was taking for granted that because i had that because once that piece was really gone and it's like i i felt that emptiness like i'm in the abyss i'm out uh i knew it was god had turned his face for me and all my doubt and all that stuff it was out the window i knew that what i had i knew it and i'm just like oh my god and the gift that i had in my family and my kids man like he the gift the gift that i had and i just squandered and i pissed all over everything and it just destroyed me and the gift that i had with him but um him turning his face from me was like the biggest eye-opening experience uh you know because i felt what it would really be like to be back in that darkness and it was the same feeling that i had 10 years ago when i had had that dramatic experience just prior to that that i was set free from this this emptiness um came back and it was that same old familiar feeling and i was like i remember this holy so sobering um and terrifying and and just i it's i'm such a fool like it was foolish i had it i already had it and i had to pick it apart and i had to you know it's so stupid i'm such a fool like in the biblical definition of a fool like a i just never want to get to that place again i don't know if i can but it was it there was eye opening it was grace but i um i i was i would not have lasted long if he hadn't um started drawing me back but when i felt that i was alone for a minute there and the feeling of being alone and not having him uh yeah i was uh suicide was right around the corner yeah i'm not i'm not playing like it it was it was more it was more than i could bear and psalm 88 um david's it's a psalm of david i believe he says it perfectly and that's like my that's my psalm right there we should read it you should read some of it if you get a chance during this thing because it perfectly portrays exactly uh the feeling of the he talks about um he's just being drowned in god's wrath and and being placed in the pit uh to be forgotten um it's it's it's the exact experience of that and it was it's uh it's terrifying but yeah psalm 88 you want me to read it or do you want to read it dude no yeah you read it man okay my voice is psalm 1888 a song a psalm of the sons of korah to the choir master according to mahala a mascule of he-man the ezra height okay here we go psalm 88 oh lord my god i call for help by day i call out i cry out in the night before thee let my prayer come before thee incline thine ear to my cry for my soul is full of troubles and my life draws nearer to sheol i am reckoned among those who go down to the pit i am a man who has no strength like one forsaken among the dead like the slain that lie in the grave like those whom thou dost remember no more for they are cut off from thy hand thou hast put me in the depths of the pit in the regions dark and deep thy wrath flies heavenly heavy upon me thou dost overwhelm me with all thy waves oh man thou hast caused my companions to shun me that's when i abandoned you for one year remember doing my own thing thou hast caused my companions to shun me thou hast made me a thing of horror to them that's true i am shut in so that i cannot escape my eye grows dim through sorrow every day i call upon thee oh lord i spread out my hands to thee does thou work wonders for the dead do the shades rise up to praise thee is thy steadfast love declared in the grave or thy faithfulness in abaddon are thou wonders known in the darkness or thy saving help in the land of forgetfulness but i o lord cry to thee in the morning my prayer comes before thee lord why dost thou cast me off why dost thou hide thy face from me afflicted and close to death from my youth up i suffer thy terrors i am helpless thy wrath has swept over me thy dead thy dread assaults destroys me i d thy dread assaults destroy me they surround me like a flood all day long they close in upon me together thou hast caused lover and friend to shun me my companions are in darkness amen yeah pretty dark yeah that was that was it man my wrath lies heavy upon me yeah yeah i felt it man it was not good um and uh how it talks about you you you laid me down in the regions of dark and deep he's talking about like like like just a dead man with no strength no hope dark that's the darkness that i'm talking about yeah and then how it says the waves and it just come in these waves these overwhelming waves of terror i was a wreck dude i was a wreck for a few weeks i could barely hold it together at work i just started crying in mid conversations talking about the weather and stuff like i was destroyed day and night and then i had to confess to him you know because i was gonna try and keep it i was like i can't i can't say anything about this i'll just keep it under my hat i'll never do this again but yeah that that wrath that that those those waves of terror just i couldn't get away from it man i said i had to confess to my wife i only made it like three days um confessed everything and um and yeah and i'm still i'm still suffering the uh the effects of my of my yeah the consequences um and this is by far the the most pain i've ever endured in my life and i've caused you know my wife an unimaginable amount of pain yeah which is you know uh i i never i never would have uh thought that i was capable of doing this or well you know which is stupid i know i'm capable of doing things but i really i never would have guessed that i would do this and uh and that was the part of the worst part is the the pain that i'd that i'd caused her and um now my family is just destroyed you know it's uh i mean the consequences are huge and like you told me i i'm gonna have to accept him i tried to i tried to hide from it i've been trying to to run and to numb it and you know doing certain things and there's there is no there's no uh rest from this no no no you're on the cross you're on the cross now i mean it's too late you're nailed to that cross i mean you got two options suffer and die with christ or try to alleviate your pain here and then have eternal pain forever yeah these are your two choices you're better to suffer now much better to suffer now and enjoy it enjoy it you have to remember that you have to remember that very important because if you you can't you can't get through it you can't get through that much pain without uh joy you can't it's enough to cry you know that it's supernatural because you would be crushed by it already absolutely absolutely man yes yeah it's supernatural because you're not crushed right now you should be crushed right now but you're not and you still can be crushed if you lose your faith but it's only the grace of god that keeps you from being crushed right now but you're going to suffer just to the threshold of how much you can handle and no more right it's not going to be more than you can handle with with uh the help of christ but it's gonna you're gonna be pushing uh to that limit of what you can handle and uh you have to if you don't have peace and joy that's a sign you're doing you're doing something wrong because you have to maintain your faith and go to prayer in the sacraments and be humble and sincere at all times and to face face the darkness and the filth of it and that's it i mean it's either that or alleviate try to hide it numb it and then burn in hell for all eternity that's not that's not a viable option yeah and suicide is not suicide is not an option it's not an option and uh you owe it to your kids even if you're resigned to going to hell which you are not in which you should not be but even if you were even if you told me david i give up i'm resigned to going to hell even then you would have to stay alive for the sake of your family for the sake of your children because it's just too much that's as a as a friend of mine told me recently that's an intergenerational uh wound that you would be inflicting on your kids your kids kids your kids kids kids all right it's it's a web of uh darkness that will be ruining so many lives so even if you told me you give up and you wanted to go to you're content with going to hell and you're going to kill yourself you would still have to even on a human level you would have to out of respect for the generations that are coming you would have to just suffer through and die a natural death that's that's your lot in life even if you didn't have faith but you do have faith you have faith so you're able to suffer with joy you're able to suffer with jesus christ and you always wanted to know what it was like to be the good thief on the cross next to jesus now you're you know yeah you have to think about it in those cinematic terms like you're there you're there it's a privileged place to be on a cross next to jesus like you're right there so that's a very privileged place to be don't don't waste this opportunity i know you like wasting opportunities and you like taking things for granted but this is the big one right i don't know if you're going to get another chance like this yeah this is the uh um i i don't know but i'm telling you i don't think so i i think this is it uh just the depths that i yeah i think god has made it very clear in very very many ways and even you saying it now um no this is this is it and uh and it's going to be a struggle last time i went through this and i had my conversion dramatic conversion thing it was easy god just simply reached into my life took away all those evil desires and um i didn't have to worry about it i didn't have to try i didn't have to struggle i was just like yay but this time i'm gonna have to fight tooth and nail i'm gonna have to seriously i i know that it's like okay well you had it you had it you had the you had to get out of jail free and now now you're gonna have to dig your way out and uh but he's gonna be with me the honeymoon's over yeah but but and and yeah yeah keep playing with that and i know that um having hell eternity this life even like it uh i can't go into the details of my life my life was put in i almost lost my life a few times in a short uh a short amount of time when i was when i was out there uh so even that very fragile yeah he's gonna pull my card here he still might i still might it's but he's giving me the grace because even now um you know the certain things that i was into uh uh i might have succeeded in killing myself but it's going to be a little bit of a process until it comes comes through fruition but then that's whatever whatever time i have left how short or long or whatever i'm seeing is that that golden opportunity that he's given me a chance to repent i have no guarantee that i'm going to have have my family back have a nice life like job have everything returned to me that was taken no i mean but the the prize and the thing is that um i get to repent yeah i have the opportunity right now to repent and i'm still you know i i still have some repenting to do honestly like i confess i i'm still not um a hundred percent uh alive or given given everything up that i need to give up i still have some crutches that i'm holding on to being able to despair but um but i'm not letting go of him and yeah i'm not gonna and you're like you you have the peace now where you can pray and you know your prayers aren't bouncing off the ceiling that's that's yes that's the litmus test that's the litmus test that you're not like actively being toyed with the door is shut to the demons right yeah yeah you got your weaknesses whatever but just like me like right now i mean i'm as soon as i went to confession bang i'm back i can pray and okay yeah i have a slip of the tongue i say some bad words i do a selfish thing i eat i cheat on my lent diet whatever it is like little sins but it's night and day compared to like being actually in the hands of the of the demons you know you're okay you know god loves you and that they're little little sins and you you repent you know you say well i shouldn't have said what i just said or i shouldn't have had that second piece of cake or whatever it is and so it's not a big deal you know you're in good graces you know you're in good graces yeah i have hope is you know and hope is a big thing well yeah well you feel you feel you feel the difference like you're able to pray that's like the litmus test you're you know and the word of god is uh alive to me again like it was it was a dead book like when i was leaving all the atheist stuff and uh yeah textual criticism is like is like the uh demonic dude it's and it's so good and it's like and it's real like they yeah yeah it's real and you have to be able to deal with it but i mean through all of that and through all that confusion and uh very good uh arguments from the other side uh it just became a dead book to me and i'd pick it up and start reading it and be like oh doubting every doubting every word like oh that's not what he really said oh that's that's contradicted by this other passage and all this stupid but now that's all out the window i can read it and and feel it uh uh reading me and giving me life and convicting me and stuff and that's a huge that's huge man because it is it is a holy and inspired book i don't you know whatever it really is uh they can point out all the textual that they want and even some of it's real it is actually real so it's it's like something you have to wrestle with i guess but i i don't have to wrestle anymore because i can see it i know i know that that that trap and that lie that they're in because i was in it myself well yeah you know now i can see through it i can see how how i can see how it is it seems so like iron clad and solid just like oh you can't get around this man it's it's it's yeah that's a big thing yeah you know you know now that there are a lot of subtle tricks and that the intellect can be lured into argumentation and this sort of thing but you know you know uh who who and what god is and that you know uh the responsibility you have to uh not displease god and uh not to offend god and it's that simple like you're you can rest on a very simple faith and uh like ernie like you can sort of model yourself after ernie he doesn't get involved in debates no no anyways would that help man it won't help him he's home it wouldn't help him you know so you know it's a bunch of bs you know that it's just the devil just trying to use 99 truth and just that one percentage lies just to get you oh yeah drifting and you talked about it yourself like you just start moving a little bit in this direction he's happy and he'll give you lots of truth on your way out the door but once you're once that door closes and you're like you're in the depths of the hell like hell on earth a little foretaste of hell uh i mean it's night and day right there comes a point the image i like to use as you were talking earlier the image came to mind was uh we're sheep right we're supposed to be christ's sheep and he's a good shepherd but when we let ourselves be talked into leaving the pack the church leaving the church and just going like pretty much in the same direction but we're just veering off from the pack a little bit and we're listening to this new guide right who seems very nice and intelligent slick and then you know he's very he's very gentle with you he's not touching you he's just letting you drift with him but then if you say well i want to go back to the to the to christ in his church it's just like then the gold comes out then the the mask comes off and you see the wolf that's there and uh it's like the the the the sheep have gone around the corner and over the hill and you're like and he's revealing like hahaha i got you it's your fault you're uh unfaithful to your god and uh but you're back in you're back in the fold now that's that's the point of making here right yeah and you can see you can see the dangers of these these people and how they wear a nice mask until you start offering resistance to their coercion right because at first at first to be as gentle as they want as long as you're deviating but they're going to show their hand they're going to show their force they're going to drop the mask at some point yeah you and i have seen that robert white has never seen that because he's just always been going with these false guides they don't have they don't have to take off the mask and they don't have to pull out the gold the sharp goats yeah they have the blinders the blinders on it's just the haze and everything looks good and you're just content in yourself and yeah they don't have to do anything to you at that point religion is stupid it's about your mythology yeah these people this is stroking their pride and pride it's like it strokes their ego and strokes their pride and that is the thing that will keep you away from god uh he resists the proud and uh yeah and and satan and the demons will play on your pride and all of that intellectualism and all that stuff it's just pride like oh these stupid idiots believe these stupid things yeah they are stupid things but they happen to be true you know that's the thing like they can point out that stuff and it's like and make good points and be rational and this and that but it's just it's it's all pride and stroking the ego you believe in it do you believe in talking snakes like yeah yeah i'm better than you i do believe that uh you know a snake can talk like by various different means through demonic means god can speak through a snake or it could be it could just be the illusion of a snake the image of a snake like a there are many many ways that a snake or apparently a snake can talk many ways right i mean or even even even this and i don't know if this is too far out even because in my mind yeah sure i don't discount stuff but i also think that um the message that that story about the snake contains so much god-inspired truth of how uh the enemy works uh because what did he do he subtly told these two humans lies half truth lie half truth oh you're not gonna die today you're not going to die and they didn't die they didn't die for a long time they lived for 900 years right but it was a different type of a thing and you'll be like god and what does god say oh now they're like us knowing good from evil so he told them the truth though you'll be like god your eyes will be open and that was true god even admits it he says now they're like us we're gonna have to do something we're gonna have to kick him out of the garden now that's why he did that so he he there was truth there but that subtle little lie and now they're outside of the garden that this is tripping me out right now because this is my little a microcosm of my little experience is like a microcosm getting kicked out like i was already in the garden everything's fine and then i start doubting it and i just had to go and touch that thing and once i i touched it like like the the butterfly wing you touch it and it doesn't get off the ground it falls it can't fit it's like um oh my god what have i done you know and when their eyes were opened it was not a joyous thing like oh great now we we have this knowledge it was terror to them right yeah and they were afraid of god after that uh you know so um yeah he works in that exact same way so that's it's truth you know if a physical snake ever talked or not that's um that story and that truth contained in there is is truth it's true yeah well uh i don't know if you've ever look at it i don't know if you've experienced snakes in uh drug trips but when i was on i was overdosing overdosing on hashish when i was about 20. uh at a like a party outdoor music festival hippie music festival i just kept eating hash because nothing was kicking in and i didn't know it takes a while you gotta wait man so for a minute my friend and i overdosed and plus we were smoking like two and i was i'm very sensitive like i'm very sensitive to all drugs and substances right so i was really messed up yeah and that's strong stuff too i was uh yeah i was hallucinating hallucinating or it was a spiritual experience i don't know which but i've had a couple on drugs where uh but this one involves snakes i was walking through a field like this is the day after when i supposedly had recovered i didn't feel very good but i supposedly recovered you know the next day i didn't manage to sleep too much but it was the next day i'm still at the hippie party outdoors i'm walking through the tall yellow grass which is waving through the wind but it would break in and out of two different worlds one where it was grass one where it was snakes nipping at my heels just licking my heels and uh so the symbolism of that is uh you know it wasn't extreme it was not extremely dark like scary snakes it was just like the symbolism i've always known about even when i was an atheist at that time i knew about the symbolism obviously of the serpent right yeah and uh so the symbol of the symbolism of it troubled me a little bit and the fact that i'm not in control of which reality i'm in at this moment like i'm supposed to have been sober i'm supposed to solve it up it's like 15 hours later why am i still like why am i which reality am i actually going to end up being in the crazy one with snakes or the the normal one where it's just grass scary it is scary yeah and uh yeah just a spooky thing i want to share that happened and then the snake thing too um but when i was messing with uh this one one of these uh women uh and uh she was talking about telepathy and these things and something about hair and she was she was actively trying to curse me because of some stuff that happened a while ago and this sounds so it's probably silly to people but i'm telling you this stuff happened and even uh two weeks later um after i hadn't you know i was i was you know sober and stuff and she was uh that girl that voice has woken me up out of my sleep uh talking to me in my room and i thought there was just someone standing sitting at the foot of my bed i thought she had broken into my house or something and it was just a voice communicating a spooky ass like that and um uh the the serpent thing and then a girl that i that i saw briefly yeah has a tattoo of a snake uh wrapped around her entire body it's a snake and i saw that i was like holy anyway and there was a snake and then on the back it came up in this perch and it was eating i was about to eat this little frog that's just sitting there a little happy frog and it's about to devour it's going like that i'm like i'm that little frog yeah oh man i and i knew it i was just like oh my gosh dude but i know the symbolism of that serpent and i was just like it was so obvious like like i don't know like hey this is what you're doing buddy look look i i had a dream last night a very uh troubling well moderately troubling dream about a large sort of human-sized frog like a demon we're sort of playing hide and seek with it like i just i thought i saw it here we went around to try to find it and it's like it would appear somewhere else it's like this flattened out frog like uh upright flat flat frog upright it was like uh very strange mildly troubling like it didn't have a lot of emotional impact but upon waking up and thinking about it and the the imagery of uh frogs is also uh is it's an image of demons also the frogs oh wow okay you'll find it uh you'll find it i think in uh revelation oh yeah the frogs come out of the out of the one of the uh beast's mouth yeah the frogs yeah the three yeah you're right i do remember a little bit about that uh the the damage the damages the damage is done but the damage is also not done because it's it's uh got that ripple effect like you said but you the good news is uh you're able by the grace of god to repent every day and every moment of every day and avail yourself of worthily avail yourself of prayer in the sacrament so it's amazing and hopefully you'll be an inspiration to others that are lost confused dabbling with the new age with wicca with with all that dark stuff uh maybe horror movies like my my previous guest that i did today i interviewed today the catholic ninja he talked about his addiction to horror movies and he thought there was nothing wrong with him but then when he had a sort of spiritual cleansing with a priest he did a general confession uh and he renounced satan in all of his works the next time he went to watch a horror movie he was actually horrified for the first time because he saw through the veil he saw the veil was lifted he saw how demonic how demonic this entertainment really is yeah so and it's in everything and it's like subtle like some people you know i think it's just out there sex drugs and rock and roll but no it's right there in our and our tv and the stuff we watch and music yeah a lot of it was um because i had i had i'd turned away from all the because i was in satanic music my whole life it's just what kind of genre that i liked and i started listening to a little bit of that a little bit more and a little bit more to where that was all i was listening to again and it it does have an effect on your mind and it's all about your mind yeah it twists you and it is ugly and it's gross and it's just all part of that lure and that bait it's just man it's it's it's everywhere and it's in everything so yep ah all of that stuff the world is throw it just throw it out you know you got it if you are a friend of the world you're an enemy of god that's pretty clear statement pretty clear statement yeah and you can see it that's it it is and there's no neutrality yeah you're with him or you are an enemy yeah yeah yeah powerful powerful at least your eyes are open will will they remain open well if you keep feeding your faith and stop feeding the demons yeah and i'll be here i'll be here to help you to remind you and uh we'll uh we'll chat again soon we'll try to chat more often more than once a year we'll chat more than once a year how's that more than once a year that's a good goal okay my brother love you live man i love i love you all out there what uh have you talked to our dear friend uh nick at all nick stumphauser no please put me in touch with him put me back in touch with him uh i want to give a shout out to nicola krisik uh he's chatting in the chat saying hello to us yo what up nick and uh lord mozart oh yeah he's a good dude he says your vape is very fat so thanks pulling the fat hits off there yeah no yeah i love all you guys and the lisney brothers what up love you guys my homies heck yeah man good stuff so we'll keep in touch and uh reach out to me anytime as usual by email absolutely well thanks man this is fun it's it's good talking to you yeah very nice hearing your voice i'm inspired by you brother i'm glad you uh you got the podcast going again because i it's really been a it was a great uh thing for me in my life uh uh plowing through all the episodes and stuff i've really enjoyed it and then the friendship that i have with you and a couple of people in the communities just yeah yeah yeah it's really good it's a tool god's using i i really do i think so man yeah yeah that's cool i'm a real tool one thing one thing i want to mention i've got maybe four episodes of you at various stages of your wild and weird journey faith journey that i haven't published yet so do you want to review them if i do edit them and should i pass them through you first whatever just publish it you can publish whatever you want man there's a lot of weirdness oh yeah i don't know i i haven't listened in over a year but i know that we've had some conversations where you were like yeah going through your atheistic phase and stuff like that that's okay absolutely man it's all right i might dig some of those out because it might help you to see holy cow look at the journey i went on like so much confusion so much confusion and uh other times of crystal clear clarity like christ is the way the truth and the life like just everything all over the map all so but always with the always with a smile you're always uh the same lovable guy so thanks thanks for being there yeah i love you guys have a good one talk to you soon good have a good one talk to you soon good night my friend