yeah i am ready yeah baby we're back i'm back with nicola crisic are we live are we live we're live we're live yes this is our third time because we third time's a charm because we had some issues first it was uh audio then it was audio and you had to get your smokes but it's all good you're feeling good where'd you park um by a hospital in the open um first i was by a church i like parking by the church when i prayed whatever too so i was gonna do that but since i had to make my run i just pulled to the open parking lot so i'm in my office right now chilling so um oh but i'll do the um you know people freeze when it's live to be like like ah are we live um and then they freeze up that's funny i've seen a few [Laughter] that's funny did you see uh i had brenda back on did you see uh it's the first time that brenda's agreed to have video like real live video footage with me i don't know why but that's uh that was good to see did you did you check that out no not brenda's yet but i checked your uh video you did about your um website you put up and everything in the all-stars and everything i made i'm rich and famous now like you said thanks to you oh yes that's why you gotta you gotta hide out in your car because all the women are like screaming and throwing their panties out oh man i can't even go to the restaurant no more no well that's the price you pay for being on my live stream man no what's funny about that is i was still like i was thinking or when i think about internet stuff and people like the people that get a million views or on a video or something it's like they they chase that high and they it's almost like a bad comes with it sometimes oh yeah you know oh yeah and i feel like i swear dr taylor marshall is is one of them i feel like his stuff at the beginning you know he was good he was and then he started stirring up some a little and you know a lot of people love drama right um that pushed him that pushes him towards where he's at you know it can happen to all of us and it's just the dangers in that and that's why i appreciate you a lot and i hope you and pray for you to never fall into that of course not of course not and that's that's awesome and i love how you give everybody a fair shot you know um you don't just chase the big names and you got a nobody like me so i appreciate that i really don't you're my biggest name awesome what's your first name nobody your last name nobody i'm nobody nobody but uh no i mean you know the thing the thing about me is uh i don't i'm not a respecter of persons as jesus jesus says in the bible not a god is not a respecter of persons that means you know your pomp and your ceremony your title your degrees your phds and all this sort of stuff it's like it doesn't matter what matters is are you a good person are you a child of god are you striving to please god and are you honest sincere are you uh you know that's it are you being real and you know like a bit of you know a bit of a bit of social um what do you call it like a protocol is okay like i mean i've learned uh you know how to have a conversation and you know you listen and you might smile and nod when someone your friend is telling you something you completely disagree with like uh you know you have to have some sort of curtis common courtesy i can't just say what's on my mind all of the time but i'll make it a point to let people know where i stand uh like for example with brenda we talked about some controversial things like uh colgate and the vax and all that and we talked about roe v wade and abortion and what does it mean to be pro-choice and what does it mean to be pro-life and uh you know i can be i could be very uh friendly and accommodating with someone who has different points of view about very important uh issues issues that are close near and dear to my heart and i can i can love that person that i'm uh discussing it with and things can get a little bit heated or whatever like your energy can rise as you defend your point of view or whatever but um you know there's a difference between being a hypocrite and accommodating and respecting the other person even though they disagree with you i think the important thing is to make sure that you respect the person but you also respect your own point of view and you get your point of point of view of cross clearly like i have some regrets over a a friend of mine or a friend of a friend of mine and the issue is he's uh practicing unrepentant homosexual and he's also a christian and i said something to him one time i'm not very close to this person but i said something to him and it wasn't clear enough like i said something that could be interpreted and probably would be interpreted as being very very loose on sexual morality and in my head i understood what i meant but i also knew that it might be interpreted as license to sin and i haven't had a chance to meet this person and correct that impression if i gave the wrong impression so like when god has a prophet the prophet is always under a lot of pressure to speak god's truth and i'm not saying a prophet of god but i i do understand the um the mission that we have as christians to represent christ and his church truthfully honestly and if i was being if i was trying to respect his feelings and i just phrased things in a way that was gentle and that could be interpreted as license to sin then i i repent of that it's just it's just weakness right but i thought the conversation would continue and i could explain that and just give a gent i was giving a gentle intro so that i could just sort of unpack it and tell him that you cannot be an unrepentant homosexual or you're in danger of going to this right but in any case um all of this to say it's it's a delicate thing dealing with another human being we have to respect the the human being and we can't just treat them like an enemy that's lost and that's a reprobate we can't do that that's right on the other hand that's a big deal a lot of a lot of christians are treating um the homosexuals like like they're lost you know yeah um and honestly my heart goes out to them a lot and especially more so now than before before i you know i grew up i didn't even think just being honest right i didn't think they were even human or laugh at them or get away from me or whatever right and then it went to a different stage where it was like okay they all chose that and they're in sin and they just need to repent and now i'm a little bit in a different stage and here's and i want to get your thoughts on it here's what stage i am now because of a family member um i have a family member that um that recently came out and the funniest thing is since he was four years old we spoke amongst family where we were like oh my gosh is this kid going to be gay right is he like look how he walks and talks and acts and it's strange okay four years old five six years old that's that's before even um what what's the word age of reason yeah that's before the age of reason right yeah okay and and i remember i've heard stories before like that and it was like okay because they played with a doll one time let's say they thought they were they think they're gay or that's their but no i know this kid okay my whole life and since seeing him at four years old five six years old and act this way and then once he hit 16 i heard he had a girlfriend and i was like okay you know he's not gay that's cool okay good that i you know he's not gay fine but then he came out after that right and his story is with tears in his eyes i tried i tried with a woman i try and and and and and he's religious and loves god and goes to church and so i don't know exactly where he's at now but here's my question is there a chance that some children are literally born that way and on the flip side or added to that could it be a a gift that they were giving i'm calling it a gift meaning their cross to bear their cross to bear which is a heavy cross right but as long as they realize that like it is a sin and never um i would say never justify it and just say god it's a sin and i'm sorry for doing this if they were to continue like that but is there a chance that they were born that way you know we're all there we're all born with evil inclinations since the fall all of us are born with a a little a little um selection of proclivities or inclinations to evil the things that get me excited that are evil my bad habits might not be uh turn on for you and vice versa i don't wanna i don't wanna suck on a tobacco cigarette yeah right that doesn't turn me on but uh and some of the stuff that gets me excited won't get you excited okay yeah but we're born with a certain inclination to sin it's called concupiscence since the fall we all have it we all have it and so yes like i mean uh some people have a natural gift if you want to call that a gift for kleptomania they're just they love stealing and the thievery and uh you got it yeah they have that that's a that's their gift from god that's their cross right but it's not really a gift from god it's allowed by god because in our fallen nature we have certain inclinations and there's certain uh you know you have to have you have to have uh pity on the most despicable um inclinations pedophilia for example you have to have a lot of sympathy for those people because i've seen interviews of these men and they're like it's usually men and they're like oh i wish i didn't have this desire this lust for young babies or whatever it is it's like they you know they know it's wrong and they know that they're burdened with this uh taste and it's demonic and it's evil and it's sick and they just they have the taste right and um i've talked on my podcast about some of the sick stuff that is in my head from you know looking at pornography and stuff like that and it's just like it's all it's all disgusting they're just they're degrees of of uh there's there are degrees of uh of sinfulness and degrees of debauchery or whatever you want to call it but yeah we're born with uh sadly in this fallen world we're all born with that and we have to bear that cross and uh as natural as it might be for the thief to do his thieving he has to say no that's it yeah yeah yeah it's that's the way it is yeah and it's funny that was my final answer towards the whole thing i'm like a homosexual that that just says god forgive my sin he's okay and i love him you know uh um he's on the right f yeah you know what i mean even if he struggles falls or whatever yes yep and and i feel like um a lot of christians and even catholics protestants um they're harsh on the homosexuals they're very harsh on them you know yeah um they they even use the bible verses god gave them up to a reprobate mind and they can never turn from sin and they i mean real aggressive and you know um i just feel like that's the wrong way to go about it for sure but yeah it's a delicate balance where you like i said you have to love the sinner hate sin and we need to try to support them to make the right choice better choices in the future it's it's hard enough it's hard enough turning away from our favorite sins but then when you have people bullying you like supposedly pious and devout religious people bullying you and bashing you it's at that point you don't have any energy left for striving for virtue right you just you're just exhausted and you're just defending yourself from your friends and family uh you don't have a lot of energy left over so no we can't uh we can't do that and we're gonna be held accountable so that's scary yeah that is look at speaking of a man bun let me show you this is that him the nope that's me oh that's me that's me 20 years ago i thought for sure that's a gay man 100 homosexual i'm kidding you i'm kidding you that's so funny look though i had a man bun 20 years ago man oh you're ahead of the curve i'm i'm a [�__�] i'm a nicola wannabe that's all i am that's all i've ever done here let me take my shirt off for you are we gonna do that video now when we take our shots off i do i do a little drawing too i used to do more i don't do recently but check this one out hale hitler that's actually the albanian eagle right albanian eagle flag and look how big i drew it so there's me right by it [�__�] that's amazing man wow it's on a yeah it's on a brick wall yup i did it on a brick wall yeah but i i haven't been drawing lately at all man because i i know um you do it too do you do it as much as you used to before no no no no no it's been years i could never draw people though i can never draw people i could draw like everything else but people the the the faces the the i can't do it i can't do it let me show you this is a drawing my wife did of me on the computer there i am on the computer that's it she put a little duck on my mug there i don't know if you can see that oh yep i sure yeah my man there yes yeah and that's probably what i could do or even worse than that i can't even do that or i could probably do that and that's it so i can never do that well she's done some good she's done so recently she's been doing some realistic stuff i don't have an example here but she's she's i've seen your past videos where she did a few religious ones for you that's cool yeah yeah that was nice i like this that was but it's a very cartoony style but lately she's been doing a little bit more uh realistic stuff it's a real talent i just watched i just watched a show it's called um great great british tiny whatever i forget what it is but they do little miniatures like a dollhouse like you do all the furniture and all the little tiny things it's a 12 it's a 12 to 1 scale so something that would be a foot you have to shrink it to an inch um wow so if it's a 10 10 by 10 room it becomes 10 inches by 10 inches and uh but this woman she had to do a little drawing like a little mural inside of a house and uh she did a beautiful job drawing this tiny little these tiny little cherub angels with faces of her teammates like her they were on a team and she got the faces and she got these little chubby cherubs you know those angels they have in the some of the church paintings and stuff like that it's amazing that the artistic talent of some people to just to sit down and just paint that like without a reference it's amazing so yeah really that's a gift of god right there yep and music art and music and yeah so did you listen speaking of music did you listen to my friend tommy did you listen to his interviews yet tommy tom menier no and i listen to all of your stuff so um i i don't know about tom why am i not it's uh within the past a couple of weeks okay it's probably one of the ones only i missed then probably but yeah why he makes his own music you're saying well yeah he's a he's a singer and a piano player okay and if it does all the other musical instruments too but it's pretty cool uh you know being exposed i went to a couple a couple of his shows and he actually plays at my church uh now that plays a piano on on stage at the church that i've been attending i've been attending church at my old parish because he's been playing there and uh he's very good very dramatic music music is uh pretty powerful stuff it's fun did you listen to some of my music in the my video there i did of the yep so i didn't complete that a video yet but i watched more than half i have that to continue but i but i caught some of it what um where you're showing the video showing the ankle breaking and oh my gosh and whatnot so what you made that you're saying yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that that was a crazy uh that was a crazy time with the ankle man though don't remind me also that happened too yeah um yeah me too just yeah a bad one right oh man um my my leg was brewed from my bruised from my tippy toe to my knee oh my god the whole cab the whole bottom was black and blue oh my god that's how bad this this one was while i was playing basketball 20 years ago okay you're fully recovered yeah but no i never fully heal that's for sure it hurts it still cracks it still swells and they're still at the ankle that never went away right at the ankle so it never healed it was bad and the doctor said well i i cuz my it didn't break my bone didn't break but he said you tore all ligaments and all muscle and everything you turn he goes he goes i don't know how your bone didn't break because it should have it should have and and it would have been better if you're if your bone broke because it would have relieved some of the but yet you tore all your oh my god everything in there and now yeah oh lord have mercy i used to play basketball and i was really good at it and the way it happened too look how silly i dunked and i was holding on to the rim for a few seconds showing off yep and then when i let go the ball happened to be right there somehow waiting i landed on the ball first and then my ankle oh god wait yeah it was bad oh my god that is horrible it instantly it instantly blew up like a balloon it was crazy yeah horrifying so in that song in that song that i made i don't know if you could hear it but that um misery movie i sampled where she breaks his ankles with the hammer did you see the movie misery disgusting disgusting disgusting because she she finds him on the side of a road in a car accident and she nurses him back to health but when he starts to get healthy he wants to leave and she doesn't want to leave she's in love with him because he's a famous author and she's a fan of his his writings and she's in love with him and so she just hobbles him breaks his legs and uh with a mallet and it's disgusting it's absolutely disgusting so if you hear the the breaking sound and the scream that's taken from that stephen king movie or the movie version of the stephen king book called misery i put a link actually below the uh the video but uh yeah i mean all that music is just it's just a computer composition you have all the sounds like in all the data banks you can just search for whatever you want guitar keyboard uh wind instruments i got all kinds of instruments and you just grab the sounds and you compose them using the uh using the computer and making your rhythms and your sounds it's it's funny i i could i got talent with that but i don't have talent with playing instruments and stuff you know or singing or none of that no but but grabbing stuff like that in making or even making beats i'm pretty good at that um myself so should share me share some with me i'd love that i i i haven't done it okay so you you know my brother's a wrestler right so i made some of his wrestling intro music oh no but this was again in 15 years ago or something but i made some of his and then but i haven't done it in so long it was like almost oh when i found what the computer can do and how easy it was yeah it just came natural where bam i put something together real cool it came out so nice i did a few more things and made a few beats and then i haven't done it since then because um i don't know like i was never into making music or completing you know so i just dropped it you know what i mean i just dropped it so i haven't moved you have to be in the mood and you have to be excited and have a project and have an idea inspiration and that's why that's why like i i get into uh you know what i guess composition just putting together these little tracks once in a while like once every few years i'll spend uh a month where i'm excited about it and then other things get me distracted and then i like so that's just the way it goes for me with your creativity it's like you have to be inspired always and it's fun it's fun when you are but then if you're not uh you can't fake it like you just can't pretend to be inspired when you're not and that's why i unders i don't understand how these professional writers can sit down with the blank page and just force themselves to write every day but i guess uh some people have writer's block for a reason uh yep i agree with you about the part that where it looks like heaven opens up and is knowing that that part's really cool yeah on yours yeah that's really cool and and gentle and it's oh yeah yeah i enjoy stuff like that and for a long time now if you remember i even asked you one time do you know someone that makes cartoon images or something or computer graphics because i got like so many ideas to make a as almost like story lines or or ideas about the faith you know as well and yeah and even the idea with purgatory like i got a good one with purgatory man can you share it or no yeah yeah i don't mind just the reality of purgatory and and how how equal it's going to be where where uh whoever goes there is going to get exactly what they deserve you know um down to the t it's like you know god and he's perfect and he so it's like almost like whatever you have done you know it's it's going to be you're going to feel that and feel the pain you've put people through and feel whatever it was if you were alcoholic let's say and and when you when you smashed the house and you broke stuff in the house and glass breaking and shouting and that tremble that you put maybe your wife and children through th this is what you're going to feel and this is what you're going you know i feel like it's it's going to be a exactly what we've deserved and what we've put people through ourselves you know something like that but but yeah it makes you think twice before you uh run wild with your emotions and your uh drama and your selfishness selfishness that's right because that's selfish we have so much of it and we don't realize but yeah why are they why are they publishing and making public uh the whole johnny depp thing what is up with that why is that spectacle what is going on i have no idea man but all you got to do is make a video and mention that and you'll get three million views in a week that's all i know so it's crazy there's a bandwagon for that i don't even know what the story is but i just see it uh on the internet i know it's going crazy um all i know of it and i i gave about five minutes or so of my time to it myself yeah and it was just uh i forget what it's called but she's ruining his name his image making stuff libel or columny or yeah yep and then crazy stuff and where there's just a bunch of crazy stuff where it's like he said she did a number two on his bed where he sleeps when he wasn't home that night and just crazy stuff man crazy stuff but people love the drama the soap opera and because it's johnny depp i guess and then yeah but what hit me the most of it is the reality of when i when they played audio so here's what i heard of my five minutes was they play the audio of them arguing and it was it was like with johnny oh well he's like well you do this and she's like well you how about if i tell you all the things you do wrong and you and they were arguing just as anybody else in the world argues right and it was like while they were arguing and then that the opposite of love that they had for each other at that time it was like their money their fame their none of that mattered they were just the regular people struggling how anybody else does you know yeah and and and that reality of it was just like deep you know it was just like it's they're they're not aided by their wealth there's no more sophistication in their level of uh they're still just selfish children coming back yep i know you are but what am i and all these stupid whatever you say bounces off me and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you it's just it's just it's just childish stuff like we all do and we're fighting it's just we're insecure we're selfish stupid people and all the glamour and the money and the glitz and the clothes and the red carpets doesn't help you have even um an ounce more dignity in those moments right yeah you got nothing you got nothing there's no spiritual value to the fame and the fortune nothing doesn't help you not at all it's not giving you it's not giving you what the saints have what the saints have is that christ like nature they're dead to self they're alive in christ and they bring godliness to every situation so why are we chasing after fame and fortune when we know it doesn't it doesn't give us any of that i know none of that man it doesn't and it's just it was crazy to hear that just that reality you know um of what we're talking about and it's just yeah it's only the only thing of value in this life is that virtue and striving for virtue striving for that christ-like uh death to self and to do not my will but god's will and that's the only thing worth striving for and it will bear fruit now now we can know what it means to bear spiritual fruit as a christian right so you're persecuted and you don't act like a selfish child you act like a dignified human being who is selfless and compassionate and giving and also firm right not a doormat like saint stephen the first murderer of the church he was not a doormat he accepted his martyrdom and he prayed for the forgiveness of his persecutors but he was a strong manly man right and a true saint and a hero and an inspiration and he uh i don't know how it's described in the bible but i'm sure it played on uh saul soon to be saint paul i'm sure it played on him and haunted him right yeah do they talk explicitly about that the influence of stephen on paul in the in the bible or not i don't remember but he must have played on his mind it must have played on his mind because he witnessed it he held the garments he guarded the clothes while they were killing stephen no yep you know what's cool is about paul is i feel like his story too is he's a good example of the religiosity that he had before that we could fall into you know as opposed to now all hearts all self-giving all you know the reality of christ you know and that's a huge difference because as well you know i myself and anybody when we get a fall and i've noticed it a lot you know a lot of people fall into the catholics and fall into the the religiosity part of it right is it am i saying that right religiosity yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's just like cheap subs our heart has to be in it our heart has to be in it or you know it has to be real we can't trick god we can't fool god we can't you know so it's like it just ah that's what purgatory is that's where we tell god haha i fooled you right that's what purgatory is isn't it i'm just kidding i got you good didn't i god oh my god no it's the reality that reality is is uh we would be crushed by reality if we got a little glimpse of what reality is but we're living in a deluded dream where we think we're important we think we're smart we think we're sophisticated we think we're modern we think the humans of science and technology we think we're advanced and you know we think a hundred years ago people were complete morons right they were complete morons they didn't even have indoor plumbing or whatever it's like maybe that was 200 years ago but whatever it's like we we are so proud we are so proud and when i say we i just mean all humans throughout time since the fall yeah you know i i wish adam and eve had done a little bit more course correction and that their children had done just a little bit more to save us the headache because what a headache look at the history of humanity it's full of uh disgusting war and greed and selfishness and corruption it's just it's sickening yeah that's that's one of my pet peeves is when we act today like well well today now we know and we think we really have all the answers now you know what i mean and like like that just gets real annoying to me sometimes you know hubris you hear uh a cosmologist talk you hear um a scientist you hear and they just poo poo everybody throughout history and they think they have it all right now it's just it's nothing could be further from the truth i feel like yeah everyone everyone is on an equal footing we all have the same uh basic problem uh to be solved and it's like uh you know [Music] it's it's not about it's not about science and technology it really isn't life is not about that like uh merit and value is not about that it's about love and godliness and uh it's it's difficult it's difficult overcoming our fallen nature it's very difficult we have to with god's help we have to strive at least have to strive it's getting dark there where you are yep the sun is going down time is running out you better repent man always always and the deeper i look i keep finding faults and selfishness and gluttony oh it looks like you lost a bit of weight though all right yeah i did my sister told me that i haven't been doing much different i don't know maybe skipping lunch during work sometimes i'll do that and then maybe that's been doing it but yeah so i think a little bit you're down to 275 pounds now or what i'm just kidding no you're close i'm six two right so um 250 250 to 255 i think was my highest and i'm about 240 now uh what's your ideal weight 230 um like 220 220 220 yeah you gotta lose a bit more yep it goes on your gut or where does it go yeah i got i would say yep mostly the gut the beer belly you drink beer yeah no okay no no alcohol i used to drink hennessy when i would drink on the weekends that was it but i have been drinking so long okay yeah it's just that freaking food man food is so good cigarettes coffee and then junk food and a pepsi or coke to wash it down with that's what i do man junk food taste test that that little lonely void oh i'm sad and lonely i'm going to have some junk food oh i feel good that's the way it is and i mean you see the the classic movie with the girl that gets dumped she's on the couch in her pajamas eating a whole tub of ice cream that's what we all do it we all do it i mean i i've done it recently i had a little tub of ice cream on the couch i wasn't crying but i was just like hoping i was moping around eating ice cream and my wife wasn't there she was out i was just lonely and just ate a tub of ice cream it's just uh it's just like in the movies like they're telling the truth and these movies are telling the truth but they're not they're not giving us the solution hollywood's telling us about the sadness and you know the existential angst but they're not showing us the way the truth and the life that's the sad mm-hmm the truth man the truth um it's funny that popped in my head earlier and how um here's why i um i love you a lot and respect you a lot because you were there for me when when i when i became catholic again and i and i found the truth i'm like this is the truth oh my god like i'm catholic and i'm catholic by choice and i have found the truth right right after that happened instead of a con set of a contism was creeping in and i started my hunt now through those videos and this is before i met you now yet still right so i'm going through those videos um the diamond brothers and all that and for a few days here's my hunt again and i'm like wait a minute i stopped god the holy spirit stopped me dead in my tracks wait a minute it was like you found the truth already and it just felt like another trick from the devil right so as i said okay no you don't i told the devil no you don't right i turned it off and then that was right around that time is when i found your videos and you were like one of the only ones that was submitting to the pope willingly and and and and and sticking up for him and not worrying about all the scandals and looking past that and so i really respect i needed that at that time really bad because you know dr taylor marshall was coming in um all these other people that were just dogging on the pope dogging on the pope even michael voris i don't think he's as bad as taylor marshall but michael voris was bashing pope bashing and that's when i stopped watching him yeah um but uh it's just it brings the ratings like you said it brings the money it brings the ratings yes and it's just easier to uh point out the spec in your brother's eye than it is to pull out the laws exactly exactly just easier it's just easier so that's uh that's a danger it's it's a danger you know yeah that relief when i found the truth and then when i got on that hunt again it was like that was when the holy spirit came and stopped me and it was it was it was just so cool god is so good but um you know but yeah you're one of the only few that i'm like is not bashing the pope and and it was just it was nice you know it was it was um we needed i needed to hear that a lot of people do still need to hear that you know people they just jump on the bandwagon so fast people on the internet uh like brenda vanassen was saying to me today that there are two kinds of religious people those who are living their lives and those who go on the internet and are taking extreme positions and arguing and it's it is true i mean like you your typical catholic as brendan described the typical real life christian is lukewarm so that's the downside of not being fanatical is you're just lukewarm right and god doesn't like that but the downside of being fanatical is you tend to be extreme like you just go you explore your position and you just keep pushing pushing your position like exploring and pushing and pushing and pushing till you reach that edge where you're uh in danger of schism heresy whatever it's just like that's just the danger of being a fanatic and i mean i'm fanatical but i'm the thing i'm fanatical about one of the key things i'm fanatical about is moderation and loyalty to the hierarchy and the pope above all like i mean uh you know i don't agree with the pope on evolution i don't agree with the pope on pushing the box whatever but i love him and respect him and i i i have genuine warmth and affection for the man and you know he's the pope he's the point for the time being until further notice that's right my my litmus test my litmus test is the mass i go to the mass and i listen carefully very carefully my ears perk up when they pray for the pope and the bishop that's right and see that puts a smile on my face now that puts a smile on my face when i hear that as well because i feel the unity then and yeah and that unity is so powerful man it is so powerful i love it it's one of my favorite parts of the mass favorite one of my favorite parts of that i love the concentration most obviously the consecration i just i really perk up for that uh it's very very rare where i'm not laser focused on the priest during the consecration i don't think it's ever happened uh in the past uh well ever i don't think it's ever happened where i haven't been laser focused on that moment of consecration yeah and in particular the words uh whatever the language is but the translation or in the in english depending on what kind of mass i'm going to when he says this right this is my body this is my blood that's when i i focus because um for me that's when a lot of the theologians speculate that possibly that could be the moment when the gifts are transubstantiated so i really i want to be there i want to be there you know and my my recently what i've been doing with the uh chalice of wine which turns into blood is i just try to be aware it's not a transparent chalice but i'm just holding this up because in my water here but i try to be aware when it's in the priest's hands and he's consecrating it at that moment when he said this is my blood bingo it's blood that's what we believe so i'm just trying trying to understand that i'm looking at a priest holding a chalice of christ's blood to me it's more powerful it's more powerful than the body the blood to me is more powerful for one thing because i belong to a confraternity of the precious blood that's one thing that helps me but it's just the idea of this red liquid in that in that goblet and it's easier it's kind of easier for me to do the one to one correspondence this red liquid it is the blood of christ and just i'm trying to bring that realness of that experience and just to appreciate the reality of it and uh i can't say i can't say that it's like blowing my mind like oh yeah i'm completely 100 like i'm in the presence of the real blood of christ i'm not there existentially i'm just there like i do believe it and it's like i don't have any problem believing it but i'm not there like where i'm blown away but i've had little moments where i'm almost there where he's like yeah i am in the presence of the body and blood of christ but usually it's just like yeah that's what i believe and i just take the i take the communion and the hand because that's where i go to church more often it's it's community in the hand and i'm very respectful about how i treat that obviously i even lick my palm after i've eaten the host and lick my palm because i know they're crumbs there i know they're crumbs on my hand yeah so i lick my palm that's not in the instructions of the roman missal but i just do it just to be sure i don't want crumbs falling right yeah so i'm very i'm very aware of uh what we believe but i'm not always able to have sort of a mystical connection with that reality that i believe yeah but uh that is the goal you know that is the goal and the saints had that mystical union and they i think it's available to regular people like us and one of my guests uh stephen ray has that or he had that early in his conversion anyway very mystical connection yeah yeah is he the one that said he's seeing the face the face of christ then or something yeah that's cool that's amazing he's a holy man he's a good friend of mine we exchange emails a lot he's a good good man that is that's amazing that really is you know it's um you know popped into my head one day when i was at mass during that and i could be way off i don't know but when the priest says behold behold the lamb of god which takes away the sin of the world while he says them words those are the words of john the baptist yeah right it's almost like it seems like for those while he says them words each almost like he turns into john the baptist to let christ through for real you know what i mean and and again i don't know i could be way off on that but that's just what i seen it was like wow not physically but i'm saying that was what came to me i'm just like those words of john the baptist when christ was walking through is behold the behold the lamb of god which takes away the sin of the world and it was like christ is really present in the eucharist there so that was just a connection for me yeah but there could probably be no truth to it i don't know but no no no i mean the priest is another christ an altar christus but uh he's also uh like you and i you know you and i are uh priest prophet and king but we also have these roles like you and i are saint paul we are we are the blessed virgin mary we're supposed to live her we're supposed to live all the saints that's the beauty that's why being a catholic saint is not boring because you live here saint paul and saint thomas the doubted the doubting thomas yeah we have that we have that we have all of that right we have christ we have his blessed mother we have john the baptist and john the baptist is one of my all-time favorites i got a an icon of them here somewhere one of my all-time favorites always was my favorite in sunday school when i was a young protestant lad john the baptist was my favorite do you do you understand then when when christ says um a lot um when someone says elijah's going to come back and he says i tell you elijah came back and then oh he was speaking of john the baptist what is that connection between elijah and john the baptist and i don't understand that it almost sounds like a reincarnation story there or something right yeah doesn't it yeah it can't be that it can it cannot be that it cannot be that yeah yeah i don't believe in reincarnation i was just saying that's kind of how it sounds and that's why the big confusion comes from my end i'm i don't know what's going on there there's something deep and mysterious there and throughout the entire salvation history there are many many things that are beyond us right now uh and that's the exciting uh one of the exciting parts of going to god and going to heaven is to penetrate all these mysteries like uh at the transfiguration you know with moses and elijah was there too so um you know that's one of my favorites it's a it's a good it's a good image and it's a good reality it's a good uh it's a good uh place to to hang out in your in your rosary when you're doing your meditations on that mystery it's uh it's almost like a timeless zone where the veil of time we can see through it now we can see how you know we are you and i are trapped in this day-to-day humdrum thing how was your day oh it was okay but my leg hurts from a basketball injury whatever it's just like oh i had a shitty day at work whatever and it's like oh what do you have for dinner it's just so it's just like today and tomorrow and yesterday and like next week and whatever it's just like we're trapped in this time thing but when you go to the transfiguration of christ on the mountain and you just suddenly you just suddenly feel like time is frozen and all of time is accessible to you like it's just like yeah we can be anywhere and everywhere in christ and uh it's liberating because it's it's just so easy for us to get bogged down oh my life sucks oh my work sucks oh my wife's annoying or my husband's annoying or whatever it might be my boss is annoying and uh it's a trap i mean we're just trapped by the oppressive reality of space-time like it's like this is who i am this is what i do and i'm gonna climb the corporate ladder i'm gonna do this and that or i'm gonna lift weights and get in shape or i'm gonna get a facelift operation or whatever like i mean we have these stupid little projects of self-improvement and this and that and you know even something meaningful like having children having a successful marriage whatever giving of yourself a charitable work and all these sorts of things we can still be playing a role in this thing where we're taking we're taking it too seriously in terms of like the prison walls of space and time and uh the saints were free of that if you read if you read the saints many of them i don't know how many uh but um you know saint philip one of my favorite apostles he did uh he was transported right by the holy spirit right do you remember that when he he baptized the ethiopian do you remember that when the ethiopian and the chariot said how am i to understand this unless someone explains it to me and then yep philip explained it and then he asked to be baptized phil baptize him and the spirit transported him to another city far away okay and uh by location if you read the lives of the saints there's a lot of uh by location like you're here and you're also over there and it's just like yep so there's a freedom in christ when you're when you're a godly man yeah mystically because time even time itself is like we're stuck in a clock that doesn't exist in eternity and will not exist but we're stuck here now in that and so it's like a um whatever what do you want to call if you are we in a simulation you know like it's almost like a such a simulation because reality is after death and outside of time and that's true reality yeah i think i think this is real but there's a higher reality obviously exactly that's why the correlation was a bad word because we you know but you i think you know what i was trying to say almost life's fault it's a very useful analogy and i often thinks in those terms obviously because i came from ellipsisim right i came from sauxism so but you know that's why they call this nature and then they call the higher nature super nature like the supernatural so i mean there's a hierarchy obviously that's why it's always interesting to meditate on heaven being upward up in the heavens and even christ pointed to heaven right he pointed upwards he didn't point downward he pointed upwards when he when he referred to heaven so it's it's always interesting to think about the higher levels of reality without getting into any mumbo jumbo new age crap which is all nonsense we're not all nonsense but there's nonsense mixed in with it if we can understand that this is one level of reality and it is real it is valuable and it is our place we were created to inhabit this space time for now until our death and then at death we go to the next stage right which will be either very pleasant or very unpleasant depending on how we uh used our free will here below but uh we can't we're pilgrims here we can't get attached to this and i like to always think about the the garden of eden the fall and how we went from paradise uh into a state where paradise is lost and that's where we are today paradise is lost but we have the hope in christ to regain paradise not only paradise but heaven and and it's so much better than the original paradise so if we think about between the fall and our own personal death or between the fall and heaven the end of time or yeah between the fall and the end of time maybe that's the best way to think of it in between heaven and the end of time it's like it is our home but it's not our home here like we're just pilgrims through this fallen world in this stage of development and we can't be attached to it and we can't think that everything is normal because things are not normal we can't think that we have heaven on earth because we don't have heaven on earth we might catch a glimpse here and there and god did come and incarnate on earth so we did have heaven on earth in our blessed virgin and in christ himself and in the saints um but uh to get attached to this fallen world or to think that we have all the answers like you said or to to imagine that oh no this is normal like yeah this is perfectly there's a perfectly normal atheistic explanation for everything and don't know don't worry about those superstitious stories that the church tells you they just want your money they want to control you and they want to brainwash you and uh this is the sort of the hypnotism that's crept in everywhere in society and the yeah the mainstream media and education and the film that's right and uh yep it's everywhere and it's strong it's strong yep yeah and sadly that's caused people their faith and it's just it's bad but i was going to ask you when you think of the garden of eden do you picture it on this earth it's on earth somewhere to where it's geographically somewhere and it's just dead now or you know what i'm saying let the flood probably rearrange things a bit i don't know the flood may have rearranged things i've heard theories that the garden of eden was not actually on this physical planet but i don't buy that it might be true but i don't have reason to believe that it's true and i don't favor that i don't want that to be true i want eden to have been on this earth yep that's what i want but whatever god's reality is that's the best right whatever reality is that's the best yes but yeah i would i mean my basic default thing without having thought about it too much is that yeah the garden of eden was the entire earth uh but some say that it was only a limited portion of the earth and the outside of those boundaries like outside of the gates when they were cast out and they had to go east of eden that means it was a crappy savage place outside of the garden but i personally uh i would need to read what the early church fathers in the church has said about that but i don't like that idea i like the idea that the whole planet earth was a paradise and that there was no sickness or death or uh killing and these sorts of things and if if there were animals eating straw or even animals eating other animals i mean i don't think so but maybe um it would all have to be very peaceful and free from you know inordinate suffering or i don't know if the animals suffered that is a bit of a bit of a problem to think about that how god would have orchestrated things if adam and eve hadn't fallen uh the food food chain like who's eating who and is the grass not alive like why are we eating the grass if it's alive and is it sensitive to pain and all these sorts of things and like the little chicken is so cute why do you want to kill it and eat it like i don't know but i think they were vegetarian uh before the flood all the way up to the flood that's what the church teaches in all the the catholic bible i read in the footnotes so i think there was no meat eating if i'm not mistaken and that that might just be a theological opinion but i don't know yeah no that sounds right and i take i take genesis on a more literal as well when i read it it just comes more to life for me and so yeah yeah very beautiful stuff in uh in genesis i love it so much yeah so um what was i gonna say any questions you got you could think of for me or anything or um how can i be a better catholic how can you be a better catholic just say i don't know much but i just know as i said earlier just your heart have your heart and everything and it's i don't think it's even trying so hard it's just more like letting loose you know [Music] it's opening up as much as you can that's you know open it all up that's it yeah that's good advice yeah yeah that's good and i have trouble with that too but that's i mean i try and that's i you don't have to always remember that and so you don't have trouble with that come on compared to me compared to me you're very open and warm and heart heart based very very open and warm i'm bad with my words bad expressing what i'm trying to say and uh yes [Music] but at least you know what i'm trying to say so that's good man if if i could put into words though david my experience my my conversion my oh my gosh i wish i could man um okay if i could just try for a second cool yeah of course i felt i felt equivalent to to me being in in in dirt or quicksand and jesus christ himself picked me up and as i'm crying to him and thanking him for saving me but crying to him to just say i'm sorry for what's come i've been and as if he was telling me i know i know it's okay my child i love you i know he knows and oh my man that experience from that moment on was i want to give my life to you christ you know yeah and i felt that all day and remember little audio i had on my old phone i think i let you hear it because i was going through it all day the moment i thought of him again i would burst out into tears but a tears of joy of comfort of love of i'm trying to put it into words right so so strangely after it happened over and over and over i just pressed audio record on my phone and then that was a glimpse of what you heard i shared with you one time it was on my old phone but i was wailing wailing you know tears because i felt that love of his i felt that reality that love this this comfort the you know i don't know how to explain it it's just wow it was life-changing of course you know when god says in the bible god says in the bible he's like a mother to uh his children did you feel that motherliness of god yeah i felt that i mean if a total love um that just made me not only did it make me cry in that sense it was a purifying it it it squeezed out poison out of me you know if it really cleansed me and not probably not completely but i was so i was changed after that because i was going i was such in a dark place at that time full of a lot of fear because i did spend time into a lot of the conspiracy theories and all that a lot and then you get paranoid a lot of people get paranoid from those yeah um and i was there as well and it was like he squeezed that all over out of me that day you know [Music] [Laughter] can i read you uh can i read you something this is a about the gift of tears because i uh i talked on um my interview with pastor artur pavlovsky i talked about the gift of tears and how i want the gift of tears so i i got this thing someone said someone sent this to me and it's my favorite saint saint augustine bishop and doctor and it comes from uh his book of meditations number one chapter 36 and i'm going to read is it okay if i read this it's about the gift of tears yes and i'm reading this i've actually never read this before i printed it out and i'm supposed to memorize this prayer but i've never actually read it so i'm going to read it for the first time now okay nice oh lord christ word of the father who came into this world to save sinners i beseech thee by the innermost innermost depths of thy mercy cleanse my soul bingo perfect my actions put in order my manner of life take from me what is harmful to me and what displeases thee grant me what thou knowest is pleasing to thee and profitable to me who would thou alone can't make clean what was conceived of unclean seed thou art the omnipotent god infinite in mercy who make us sinners just and give us life to the dead who changes sinners and they are sinners no more take from me therefore whatever is displeasing to thee for thy eyes see my manifold imperfections stretch forth i beseech thee the hand of thy mercy and take from me whatever in me offends the eyes of thy goodness in thy hands o lord are my health and my infirmity preserve me in the one heal me in the other heal me o lord and i shall be healed save me and i shall be saved thou who dust heal the sick and preserve those who are healed thou who by thy thy nod alone dust renew what is ruined and fallen for if thou wilt so good seed in thy field there is need also to pluck from it the thorns of my sins by the hands of thy mercy most sweet most kind most loving most dear most precious most desired most lovable most beautiful pour out into my breast i beg of thee the fullness of thy sweetness and charity so that i shall not think of or desire what is carnal or earthly but rather love thee alone keep thee alone within my heart and upon my lips right with thy finger upon my heart the precious remembrance of thy sweet name that no forgetfulness may ever from there erase it write thy will and thy law upon the tablets of my heart and that always and everywhere i may have thee and thy holy precepts before my eyes o lord of unending sweetness inflame my soul with the fire thou didst cast upon the earth and willed it be in kindled so that with welling tears i may offer the daily the sacrifice of an afflicted spirit and of a contrite hurt sweet jesus good jesus since i long for it and implore it of thee with my whole soul grant me thy chaste and holy love that it may fill me hold me possess me completely and grant me that visible sign of thy love a cleansing ever flowing fountain of tears that these tears may also bear witness to thy love in me that they may show that they may tell how much my soul doth love thee that in the that in the too great sweetness of thy love it cannot withhold its tears i remember oh lord that good woman of whom scripture speaks who came to thy house to implore of the son that after her prayers and tears her face was no longer changed but remembering her great virtue her great constancy i am afflicted with grief overcome with shame for i behold my miserable self lying prone upon the ground for if she so wept and persevered in weeping this woman who sought a son how should not that soul of lament and cease not lamenting which loves and desires god and desires to come to him how it should not weep and mourn day and night loving only christ look upon me and have pity on me where the griefs of my heart are multiplied grant me thy heavenly consolation and despise not this sinful soul for which also thou didst die grant me i beseech thee and i love the inward tears that can dissolve the chains of my sins and fill my soul forever with thy heavenly delight so that i may merit to obtain if not together with thy true and perfect monks whose steps i am unable to imitate then at least with thy devoted women some little place within thy kingdom there comes also to my mind the wondrous devotion of another woman who with pious love sought thee lying in thy tomb who when thy disciples departed from the tomb did not depart from it but sad and grieving sat there and long and sorely wept and getting up again in tears searched with anxious eyes in every corner of the tomb that somewhere she might see him whom she looked for with such fervent longing once and again had she entered and seen the tomb but there is never enough to the soul that loves for the crown of a good work is perseverance and because she loved more than the others and loving wept and weeping sought and seeking persevered she so did she merit to be first of them all to find thee to see thee to speak with thee and not this only but the first to tell the disciples themselves of thy glorious resurrection thou commanding her and gently instructing her go tell my brethren that they go into galilee where they shall see me if she then so wept and continued weeping the woman who looked for the living with the dead who with the hand of faith touched thee not how should not that soul mourn and cease not from mourning which believes in her heart and confesses with her lips that thou art her redeemer ruling from heaven and reigning everywhere how not such a soul both weep and mourn which loves thee with all its heart and longs with all its being to see thee o soul refuge and soul hope of the unhappy to whom we can never pray without hope of mercy for thy sake and for this and for thy holy name's sake grant me this grace that is often as i think of thee speak of the right of thee read of thee preach of thee that as often as i remember thee stand before thee offer thee sacrifice prayers and praise so often may i weep the tears welling sweetly and abundantly in thy sight so that tears may be my bread by day and night for thou king of glory and teacher of all virtue by word and example has taught us to weep and to mourn saying blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted thou didst weep for thy dear for thy dead friend and thou didst weep over the city that was to perish i beseech thee oh good jesus through these most blessed tears and through all thy tenderness by which thou didst wonders wondrously come to our aid who are lost grant me this grace of tears my soul long my soul so longs for and now begs of thee for without thy gift of it i cannot possess it by thy holy spirit who softens the hard hearts of sinners and moves them to tears grant me the grace of tears as thou didst grant it to my fathers in whose steps i should follow that i may bewail my whole life as they bewailed themselves by day and night by their prayers and merits who have pleased these pleased thee and most faithfully served thee have mercy on me thy most pitiful and unworthy servant and grant me the gift of tears water me from above and water me from below that day and night tears may be my bread may i become in thy sight o got my god a sacrifice rich and full of marrow through the fires of thy compunction may i be holy consumed on the altar of my own heart and may i as a most acceptable holocaust be received by thee as an odor of sweetness grant me a strengthening fountain a clear fountain in which this defiled holocaust may be continuously washed for though by the help of thy grace i have offered myself holy to thee yet in many things i daily offend thee because of my great weakness grant to me therefore this gift of tears o blessed and lovable god especially because of the great sweetness of thy love and also for a remembrance of thy mercies prepare this table before the face of thy servant and grant me this power with regard to it that as often as i will i may be filled from it grant me in thy kindness and thy goodness that this thy chalice so good and so inebriating may quench my thirst let my spirit long for thee let my soul burn with thy love forgetful of all vanity and of all misery hear me o my god hear me o light of my eyes hear what i ask of thee and grant that i may ask of thee what thou wilt hear kind and gentle lord be not heard to me because of my sins but because of thine own goodness receive the prayers of thy servant and grant me the answer to my prayer the answer to my desire through the prayers and merits of my lady mary virgin and of all the saints amen amen in the name of the father holy spirit amen you're supposed to memorize that you said yeah wow good luck it's gonna be it's gonna be quite an undertaking but uh it's a long it's a long prayer i i i told myself i would memorize it and then i downloaded it and printed it and it's like three pages and uh i thought okay so this is this is a bit of a challenge but uh very moving very moving that's the first time it is i love the i love the part when by one nod from you oh lord it's like that's that's that's so true that's just so deep you know by one night of that eye contact in that man deep stuff amazing amazing yeah but you know the other thing the other thing about this prayer is as all good prayers all true prayers are it's humble it says give me what i'm asking because if you don't give it i can't have it that's right yeah i'm not gonna who who am i gonna go ask aaron raw and matt dillahunty to give me the gift of tears no you could go to walmart you could go to walmart or your corner store and just if you got a credit card too you can just [Laughter] [Music] this is what god wants this is what god wants he wants us to humble ourselves and say look i i cry uncle you got me okay i'm done running away i'm done playing games i'm done pretending i don't need you i'm done pretending that i can get anything good out of this world without you yep i give up i give you yeah i let you lead and i give up and i say yes to you you know this is probably uh i would say one of the greatest saints of all time saint augustine a great sinner and the i don't know if you can feel the humility but he's down to earth he knows he knows who and what he is because uh god showed him you know i mean this guy is basically a genius uh and he has understood as all the great saints have great or small they've all understood how little they are yeah and this is what i think god this is what christ meant when he said we have to be like little children yeah you know what i mean it's just uh it's it's too easy it's too easy to fall into pride and uh uh it's amazing it's amazing i think he said i think he said i understood every word i've ever read did you ever hear that no that's amazing yep i think he said i have understood every word i've ever read wow um didn't he have an experience where a heavenly experience before right yeah and then he came back saying oh my and you know no comparison no there i can't even find the words what he said but like not what you think just more way more unbelievable unspeakable on you know yeah he was a non-plus and just yep yeah eyes not seen and ear is not heard and we just can't describe it and yeah you know you know you know what it's like to get a glimpse of that that mystery of god and just that's all we need is just a little reflection of a hint of the shadow of god passing by like in the old testament i think it was uh maybe moses or maybe it was jacob or someone i'll let you see my back at the back of me was that jacob i think sarmos i i'm one of them i'm forgetting who moses may be but but i know moses saw god face to face on the mountain oh yeah okay so maybe it was it might have been jacob if i'm not mistaken because i think that was when he was on his way to get a wife for himself among his kin kinsmen if i'm not mistaken and he had that dream with the stairway to heaven and uh i think that song was playing led zeppelin stairway to heaven when he had this mystical i i i often think of god in that tornado of fire coming to job was it job he came to in a whirlwind of fire it might have been or it might have been elijah or alicia okay i don't know okay i just remember the tornado of fire that he came to that person who it was and just wow the power and the unbelievable unbelievable picture a tornado of fire you know i'm trying to find it uh fire uh i know that a tornado destroyed destroyed his uh children's homes tornado of fire i'll have to i'll have to search about that okay i think it was in job um i think are yeah i think but no i'm not sure i'm not sure we'll find the reference so great talking to you uh i gotta let you go because my my wife needs me to go and spend some time with her but of course i understand of course thank you for giving me this time and of course i love you and nice talking to you and boring old me that's why i appreciate your time and no man i'm not going to get you a million views so nothing uh nothing boring uh nothing boring about uh nothing boring about a man who fears god nothing boring about that's the most exciting thing yeah yeah that's true the most exciting thing so i love you lots i'm praying for you hope you pray for me and we'll talk very soon we'll try to get those boys in here yep that's right the all-star posse the top team they're rich and famous now they're rich and famous too so it's gonna be hard it's going to be hard you have your manager talk to their manager and uh yep have your that sounds good have your lawyer and all that like we always do uh don't don't forget like i said don't ever let your