yeah so where am i okay so i think we are live i'm here with matthew murdock the one and only how are you doing my brother i am doing pretty good oh my god we've been waiting for this moment for two years it's been like two years since we've seen you yeah it's been a long time man and that two years seems like but yeah okay i recently uh watched the last uh interview that i did and i'm just like gosh man whatever i just was like what a [ __ ] why i don't know i just i just remember when i was watching him like what does that was i even talking about i was like i was a little uh out there though at that time so i guess it makes sense you were you were high on crack right uh well i was you know you know injecting meth and uh smoking weed and stuff banging hookers yeah even you know orgies hooker like remember i always love uh how you talk about plumbing the depths of the depravity of the world and that's what you did the other way oh yeah i went i went all in dude uh kind of identity crisis type of a thing i guess and um yeah i was just like well maybe this is me i'm gonna go give it a shot so you're serious you went to the dark side again dark you went deep into the dark side well um well yeah dancing with the devil yeah um just just um that's good the close-up you should keep that and keep that indulging the uh indulging the flesh yeah um you know rebelling you know rebelling against god uh you know hello hello hello hello satan's angry here is it my end or your your end yeah hey i'm gonna try to redirect into a room where there's uh some yeah i am outside but i think maybe going inside will have some better reception maybe oh yeah oh cool um so uh yeah so yeah are you here with me for a second okay you're yep find your way to your room can you hear me yeah i can hear you anything delay there's a bit of a delay there can you hear me okay yeah just the area that i'm in is kind of a black hole for the [ __ ] um but is it okay or yeah yeah because i can just post up in here this is i'm actually at my parents house yeah you could uh get comfortable man all right so you know you know the past couple years been rough for me too right yeah and uh well fill me in i i don't know a lot well just the the idea is with kovid excuse me i haven't had access i was uh deprived of the sacraments and my prayer life suffered i started dabbling with the dark stuff and old temptations for uh sexual sin with video games i was playing i've talked to you about this before yep i remember that yeah and you know it's nothing maybe too hardcore for your average uh person they would think it's pretty tame stuff but for me i could feel satan luring me to the dark side i could feel like he wants me he wants my soul he's offering me like hey this little pleasure this little pleasure whatever and um you know it's been a rough couple years but now the i'm allowed to go to church again because i'm not vaccinated they didn't let me go to church for a while but now huh yeah baby and uh so they let me go back now so i'm building my strength again and i'm i'm feeling more i'm feeling less vulnerable to the temptations of satan you know you know what it's like when you go through the ups and downs where you're like vulnerable to temptation and other times you're like no i'm strong and i'm firm in christ because because i'm walking the walk thanks to the graces that i'm saying yes to but when you neglect the graces then you get weak and then you just don't have the strength to even say yes to the graces it's just a cyclical pattern you've seen it in your own life i'm sure yeah absolutely so that's what i've been going through and i'm in a better place i'm getting better uh you know more confident and strong and less interested in uh even just looking at sexy women on the street that i see i just don't look at them it's a real temptation you know just to look at sexy women on advertising like they're billboards in montreal where it's just like sexy women showing their asses to me and stuff do they have uh yoga pants out there oh yes in grand canada yeah those are [ __ ] aren't they they make it real easy it's like oh well there's yeah it's like oh there's a vagina right there out there just like bam the camel toe on display yeah on one side and the back and you got a camel toe on both you got two camel toes happening there yeah i got a moose knuckle and a camel toe yeah no but just you know comment on what you're saying is um that temptation for you it is just as real and uh the bait and the destruction that would bring us the same as it's the same it's the same someone like me it's just i i just go out and do it yours costs more yeah it costs more you know uh uh some some urgent care visits [Laughter] i had quite a few of those my friend uh you know but it is more you know it's more destructive outwardly maybe to other people but your own soul [Music] it's probably just about the same like if you would have given into it and gave it because it's all about your mind anyways yeah yeah yeah sleep like sleepless i've had sleepless nights not too many but a couple of sleepless nights over the past two years where i'm like i will go to hell if i die if i don't make it till tomorrow morning where i can go to confess my sins right like i don't know if my contrition is sufficient to save me like that i feel sorry for my sin but i'm also being flooded by pornographic images in my brain and i'm like also going with them and i'm like having this whole fantasy world of disgust fantasy thing yeah fantasy world is very dangerous and satan loves it he's the master of theater he can give you all these situations like oh look at this and look at this and look at this and like you know you just bite the forbidden fruit in your mind like by playing this game it's weird the about the power of the imagination and it's really dark sick stuff and luckily now that i'm back in the state of grace i'm like that's disgusting like why was i why was i indulging in fantasies of all this rape and all this sick dark stuff like just like totally sick with violence and it's like is that me you know that's me without christ okay so like holy [ __ ] like and he died for me even though i'm a disgusting pervert like it's really it's mind-blowing it's mind-blowing or can i blame satan for some of that not really because he's just saying hey what about this situation i'm like yeah that's interesting like yeah you know it's so dark it's like that like it says in the bible like the dog returning to eat it's vomit it's just it's disgusting it's disgusting [Music] big bowl of soup out of that stuff it's really gross yeah god help us i'm with you man yeah no it's just yeah anyway we have to we have to remember you know we have to remember our past sins and it's like yes i'm disgusting yes i'm disgusting yes i'm disgusting but god loves me and jesus died for me and he's yeah he's gonna give me the strength to be wholesome and pure and uh take one day at a time and take one foot in front of the other and be be holy for i am holy and you know it's just like it's it's obvious is the nose on your face that left to our own devices were just disgusting you know yeah well um actually i was gonna comment what was he gonna say ah um yeah but when you're talking about that theater and those in that uh those fantasies i do i do feel i know some of us just coming from our own fleshly imagination because the flesh wants what it wants but i feel sometimes it's so strong um there's not there's fantasies in those ideas it's not natural it's like i'm i'm fighting it so hard now it's and it's even harder now because i mean lust is always a problem i think for all guys and maybe women too i don't know probably but um you know because after i was had that you know road to damascus type of thing happened to me and then i was kind of set free from a lot of that stuff and my drug use for that nine years um i still you know struggled a little bit with the less you know i'd have to dodge my eyes and i'd want to stare at a girl's ass or you know that type of stuff and you know i'd fight him off but ever since i i did what i did this last couple years with the adultery and then just in the full-blown sexual perversion just no holds barred it's like it's like on steroids now those um the fantasies those thoughts just the thought just the images and the thoughts of actual [ __ ] that i did and then it plays off of um you know uh you know then other fantasies about this and that it's just like i can't drive down you know i have a commute to work and that's just like the worst time like when i have nothing to yeah to think of it's like i don't know i just think i i really did myself a lot of damage you know and and the bible says a man who commits adultery destroys himself and now i i see i see what it is i know that i can be forgiven and that there's grace and stuff but that stain of what i did and the [ __ ] that i've done it's it ain't gonna go away you know and it's and life's a lot harder now the damage is there and you can feel you can feel that you're damaged for sure yeah and the drugs and stuff like yeah i didn't i didn't struggle at all with cravings or anything for you know nine years yeah and since i i decided to go back to that vomit or go back to the mud like the the pig um it's been a daily battle and there's no peace there's no peace there's no peace there you can't even like i said i had a couple of uh sleepless nights where i'm like i'm going to hell i'm going to hell and you know if people knew if people knew okay it's one thing to say okay you know uh this these fantasies and whatever it's like you know it's pretty tame by today's standards when you think about what people are getting up to like um but the the reality is like you said it doesn't really matter like the a bunch of big sins or one one sin like it doesn't really matter the the quantity like we're offending god and i knew i was in danger i knew i was not in the state of grace i knew i was in the state of mortal sin and i knew i was scared i was scared and that that that fear is a grace that fear is an indication that god is still working on your heart so if you have that dread of hell if you have that dread of offending god that's a great grace and you need to cling to that yeah right even not feeling even that feeling that you're disgusting if you have that nourish it and cherish it and cling to that because that's god saving you yeah and it just sucks because when you bring that up it's just kind of biting for me because i've just noticed you know i'm i'm way less sensitive to the spirit that i was gonna get back on track you gotta get back and i know and i know there's you know those verses that warn about you know having a seared conscience and god giving them over to a debased mind yep and and i've gotten you know warnings i believe uh through kind of revelation not like not like pentecostal got revelation but you know god speak to it speaks to us through brothers like you and then like a bunch of different people will pretty much say the same thing who aren't connected in any way and they're christians and you know like okay you know message received yeah it's like i have dan you know dangerously close to it or just the books i'm reading it'll be talk about you know i was reading some cs lewis and uh the great divorce have you ever read that one i've i think it was the audio book i think i heard on audio it's just great but um you know i just feel like i'm actually in that book you know and people are trying to you know like the angels or whatever or the just the people who have gone on to actual heaven are trying to like convince these like ghosts uh to let go of all their earthly [ __ ] and move on but they just argue against it and argue against it and then finally you know some of them there's just a point where they say okay well there's nothing we can do for you we're just going to let you go to hell because that's what you want to do um i just i'm that does that does scare me because i i remember how terrified i used to be uh of everything and and now i'm just like ugh you know i've just i've pushed it so far and you know i've been been kind of warned and have those warnings like in oh yeah in the c.s lewis book it talks about um guys like are any of these people even capable of being saved because it's kind of like a purgatory thing like they're trying to talk them out of hell right basically and and so they'll repent and bring them into uh you know the actual heaven and he's just like well there's always that one time uh that one time too many when it's gonna be the tipping point of okay god says here you go and you don't want to gamble on that and that's exactly what i keep [ __ ] doing man yep yep you know you you have i'm so stupid i want to tell you a warning a severe warning you have a certain number of graces that will be given to you where you can repent and then you use them up and it's just like you are given over to your yeah to your sin and uh then you're just numb you're just numb and you just don't care anymore and just you're just on your way to hell so yeah you've got saint alphonsus liguri talks about this a lot it's like you don't know if you're going to be receive the same chance like the same opportunity that god's given you a hundred times before you don't know yeah if you there's no guarantee you're gonna get that chance again there's no guarantee so that'll put the fear of hell into you that'll put the fear of god into you and then you can just say look i i've abused your generosity enough god i've abused your generosity 100 times or more and i'm done abusing your generosity thank you for giving me this last chance this last chance and i appreciate it and the way i'm going to show i appreciate it is i'm actually going to change my change my life and then if you're serious about it then you can start to have the peace and then you'll chase away those demons and all the memories and all that sort of thing you're still going to remember of course that you're a sinner and all everything you've done and how you betrayed your lord but that's going to be a consolation to you to say wow he went and scraped me from the bottom of the barrel and look how far down into the mucking mire christ went to retrieve me a disgusting sinner and i know i'm a disgusting sinner because i still have in my memory all the the things i thought said and did and uh thank god that he gave me that one last chance and i've taken it and i'm so happy i've taken it because now i have peace right i can still remember my sin but it's not it's not a torment to me it's a consolation to me it's no longer a torment to me it's a consolation to me why because i see the love of god how he went down into the muck to get me and uh that there's absolutely no one that's beyond his uh his mercy and his graces no one because there's no one beneath me i'm the worst so i am the worst so like i have proof i am proof i'm living proof of the infinite mercy of god and that's why i uh that's why i say yes to his mercy and this is my last chance you have to take it seriously this is my last chance quit saying you're scaring the [ __ ] of me oh my god it's scary man it's scary work out your salvation in fear and trembling trembling yes i'm yeah so and even you reaching out to me today i know is one of those uh means god's grace and stuff uh you know because you've seen me a lot and you you've always had a good way of uh explaining stuff to me and you're you know i just really appreciate your perspective on things man because you're you're my brother you're you're a one of a kind man love these other people i talk to aren't you know they're well-meaning but not very helpful in these type of things and not really willing to be transparent like you you know yeah because you have to be transparent so yeah this is the nasty [ __ ] going through my mind how about you you know because the church culture is usually like we just we just put on a mask and we hide all that [ __ ] and then yeah everyone feels like they have to be fake and stuff and i mean how are you supposed to grow and you feel like you're the only pervert in the future yeah it's no no we have to we have to we have to be like a little child like the little child okay little child can still hide his sins sometimes but the little child is fundamentally honest and innocent right oh i just got a shout out to you matthew with six or is that five exclamation points from kieran kieran my brother love you dog he's the one and only yeah the lisney brothers i'm gonna send them listening boys after you don't pay your bill sounds like you know these guys are awesome man he said that'd be cool if we could do a meet and greet someday do you want to be so badass man in real life yeah yeah yeah like in person that's forbidden by the big brother one world organization yeah no more real life that's no good ah no real life anymore just your work with your chatting with your chatting you'll own nothing you'll be free so are you guys still all locked down with the coveted [ __ ] uh well we're still on that mandates mask mandate see there's a magical thing in america it's like one day it was kovakovakova then the next day it's oh russia russia russia and uh what what happened to [ __ ] coven i don't have to wear a mask i don't have to do [ __ ] i'm like yeah okay cool that seems a little fishy to me you think i got covered twice and was vaccinated oh yeah you know i got it and then i got vaccinated only because i wanted to go to a basketball game with the urndog st ernest he's like oh come to a basketball game but you got to have the shot i'm like [ __ ] all right i'll get the shot i i really regret getting it man oh so i'm assignment you made a mistake yeah i can like see through walls and [ __ ] now that's pretty cool you're uh transhuman man you're yeah you're one of the borg yeah dude coming after you when they flip this when they flip the switch yeah kieran says love you man love you brother i always knew he was gay i always knew it and now he's proven gay as hell he loves you and you're a man and he's a man [Laughter] i'm just kidding no homo bro no homo bro i'm just kidding yeah karen let my haircut give you the wrong idea look at that hard part that's you know you guys you got you in the listening brothers just like what's with these haircuts you get like cool [ __ ] haircut every time i see them they gotta they got a new one and i'm like man they look [ __ ] good man you shouldn't you know in touch with this barber man yeah yeah i was freaking out flying down to where you at me yeah i'm in uh podunk uh reno nevada oh [ __ ] that's right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah gambling yeah yeah gambling prostitutions were built on solid morals solid you know christian morals casinos and brothels who's and mine mining so just greed and sex who's your state mascot satan uh yeah i don't know there's there's definitely some uh principalities at work here it's it is a pretty it's a pretty uh it's just getting uglier and uglier here probably probably everywhere i don't know um you should get yourself an eager igloo up here in canada man dude i totally would man he'll come on say hey man how's it going eh a boot i'm getting this in the booth it's a boot diplomacy yeah i did great good to see you good to see your face though man yeah i i miss you man i think about you guys all the time i think about you and listening brothers i just you know we you know i it's just kind of the disney sisters now because they both went transistors they went trans you didn't know it they identify as black women so why they both identify as overweight black women well they're going to be set up pretty good if they do that if they can pull that off all the doors are opening basically yeah yep enough silliness enough silliness and and so um i forgot about what your um eschatological views are about like the end of the world stuff do you think that the uh the current state of unrest in uh globally is some kind of a sign of maybe jesus is gonna come back and we never know this [ __ ] straight i never know we never know when oh i know we never know but i just know what your views are it's uh i view it like it's a it's the darkest time i've ever witnessed but yeah if you go through if you go through history um i think you'll find uh yeah you'll find all kinds of dark dark periods and yeah it was never really good huh because i hear because a lot of the guys i'm sure familiar with like the dispensationalists type of guys that are all about six six six martha the beast the antichrist and they have all these you know they just interpret the newspapers and and and kind of impose it over the bible and say she look little but um and and they say that too they make that argument about how bad it is but it's like have you ever like read about rome hmm what they were like i mean caligula they had their little i mean like they were they were full-on yeah yeah yeah you know monuments to like bestiality and stuff it's like yeah these are my kind of people you know there's nothing there's nothing new nothing new under the sun man yeah nothing new under the sun this is our time this is our time to choose okay so you and i can say wow the mask is coming off satan and it's like okay i know what he's got to offer me yeah my pleasure and all this sort of stuff and then i know what christ has to offer me the narrow path of suffering and self-denial it's like yeah okay so now i'm really getting pressured to choose because the masks are coming off all the tyrants yeah and uh i gotta choose but uh here let me just dabble just dance a little bit more with satan this is fun and then ultimately i'm gonna choose christ but right now i'm busy dancing with satan and enjoying all these pleasures short-term pleasures yeah but um no we gotta wake up and we gotta like say like no no no no we gotta do it now we gotta do it now because we never know we never know when christ is gonna come right and i'm not talking about the end times i'm talking about in your life like you could die yeah dad you could just die right yep so when i talk about those sleepless nights where i'm like i'm going to hell um you we have to carry with us that fear like we can die at any moment and very few people are prepared for death or expect the hour of their death and we have to remember that we could die at any moment and we have to therefore be in the state of grace we have to be in the state of grace we have to watch and pray watch and pray watch and pray and uh it says nothing in the bible about squeezing in as many illicit pleasures as you possibly can before you repent before you repent and change your ways right no it's in the it's in the index it's in the appendix the appendix the appendix yeah you know lot's wife looking all she did is look back bang too late too late sorry sorry [ __ ] sorry no but i mean it's too late like i mean just imagine yourself right now burning in hell and saying oh whoops [ __ ] whoops like it was like i was just caught at the wrong time like hey god why don't you just wait like i was gonna repent tomorrow you know what i mean yeah yeah why do you just why didn't you just give me five more minutes i was just on the verge because we've ran the simulation like single one so yeah we're just done here bud yeah yeah so now now is the day what is now is the time of salvation now is the hour today today is the day acceptable salvation or something today is the acceptable day and now is the time of something today yeah it's now yeah this is it this is it like you choose choose choose life like moses said i put before you life and death choose yeah choice yeah what's your choice matthew what's your choice tell me tell the world all six and uh well i mean i have to choose christ because you know all uh all the other options are no good and i know that but still uh and and c.s lewis uh also said it well it's like all all these worldly passions especially for me you know drugs and sex and all that stuff it's uh he says it's an ever increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure yeah it's like the the more you do like like even when i went out and did all that stuff and for like like you have these fantasies think of some gnarly ones yep i said sign me up i'm gonna go give it a shot see if what it's all about because in your mind you're like oh wow it's gonna be this little yeah and it was it was a total cheap rip-off there was there was no joy literally like there was no there was no even even the pleasure like even getting off and stuff it's like i think my body knew like like the spirit was still in me to know like nope you're not you're not gonna just like i i don't want to get too graphic here but it's like nothing yeah nothing ever panned out you know but me just being there being a willing participate putting myself in there that's all that's all it takes or even maybe just making the mental ascent of it in your mind in secret just saying oh yeah this is okay gotcha he's got you and there's like it's like if he's gonna you know take us to do something like lure me to send me to hell he could at least give me the [ __ ] payoff but no the the devil's you know he's not uh he's he's he's a freaking liar i mean he's a father of lies he's like you couldn't trust him huh i guess not i guess he's he he wouldn't come through but he's a little [ __ ] and i don't like him man he uh he's he's got me a few times that's my own stupid fault you gotta hate him you gotta hate him you gotta hate him you gotta hate him yeah no he he's a dick man he's a total dick spread spread the news spread the news to your friends and family satan is a [ __ ] dick he is though and it's just you know my daughter's starting to get like this cold stuff you know because it's trendy of your kids and uh the musicians that she listens to are all those illuminati devil worshipping mason weirdos because that's what that's what they're putting out that's what hollywood's all about and uh i just try and tell her it's like this is a lie like they're the peop the spirits behind that are driving all of that whole industry and all that they want to kill you and [ __ ] up your life would you want to hang out with someone who even if they're like real pretty or or popular or whatever but you you like you know that they that their only plan or design for being friends with you is to eventually like you know you know get access to your stuff and steal it or kill your mom or run over your guy like you wouldn't want to hang out with that person you wouldn't even take anything from them you know and uh that's the lesson i had to learn the hard ways that like yeah um because i was just felt like the the the demons were like your friend in a way trying to say oh why don't you just take a break you're working too hard you're trying you know you can't do all it's just you know but no that's just they're they they just stab you in the back as soon as they can expose you you know it's just um i i don't like them but i still i'm showing on the screen now i'm showing uh [Music] a picture of a recent picture of madonna it's allegedly i know which one you're talking about she has the bridge and she like comes out cameron like oh that creeps me if you want to if you want to unmask satan and you want to see what he promises how how empty his promises are yeah look at it you know you you take a beautiful young catholic girl and you convince me you're catholic yeah oh wow i didn't know that well madonna is the mother of god right madonna that means our lady okay and uh she rebelled against christ in his church and she became rich and famous and had lots of illicit sex and has her sex book and all her boy toys and girls and boys and i don't know what else and when she was young and beautiful all the doors were opening money and everything is good and now i'm sorry but she's pathetic and she hasn't realized yet that she's been duped she's been duped by satan she doesn't realize she doesn't realize it right so you have to thank god you have to thank god every moment of every day that you have some self-awareness you're contrite you know that you you know that satan's an [ __ ] it's like just look to her example she's a monster literally a monster which means she's demonstrating she's demonstrating [Music] what the difference is between choosing life and choosing death she's a demonstration of that look at look to her even if it nauseates you look to her say this is what satan does this is the cruel slavery of the devil and look at look back at the golden age of your christian walk look at the light yoke of jesus christ think about the trials and tribulations you went through as a christian and how you had the joy in your prayer life in your walk with god when you were at the peak of your faith journey the peak the golden time for matthew mark think about that and then look back at the picture of madonna and say that's the cruel slavery of the devil look back at your own debauchery see that's the cruel slavery of the devil look at the promises that satan gave you look at what he delivered less than nothing less than nothing he robbed you he beat you he tortured you and he gave you less than nothing in return and then just thank god thank god that you have the grace to repent and the grace to struggle to get back to a place where you can be walking uh walking in your faith again so what is the golden age of you what is the peak what are some of the peaks of your christian walk i think the first couple years after i uh you know had that got saved or whatever uh praying with those those old guys out in bishop um you know i was i was you know they saying the evangelical whatevers i was on fire for the lord i really was um but uh and how did it feel confronting challenges daily challenges and whatever challenges when you had the yoke of christ on you well it was cool because i didn't um um i still struggle i mean i don't know i i i was kind of a very self-conscious christian like what you were describing like whatever it was i thought i'm going to hell man i smoked cigarettes ah i gotta quit i'm going hell then i finally quit smoking cigarettes like oh i'm an [ __ ] too guys now i got to work on that and then yeah then i stopped being less of an ass start being less of an [ __ ] then it's like oh man you know find out something else um so i was always kind of introspective like that and you know struggled but i knew i was alive you know that was the thing like and certain things like didn't tempt me at all like someone could have brought me a bag of crystal meth and like here once over this i'd have been like [ __ ] i could have taken it from him and thrown away you know a girl a girl could have approached me the uh take somebody hypothetic behind the girl says take some of this have somebody which has never happened to me by the way you know if i was good looking like those listening bars maybe i'd have that type of temptation but but no i i mean i i was just like strong i i was um you weren't strong no no no no you were not strong you were not strong i was strong in christ because i was abiding and when you're and when you're doing that um certain things really can't touch you you know yeah um but it's a game for the mind and the enemy is after all of us i think in one way or another and he uh they were playing the long game and they uh had a a plan methodical step by step uh they were eating a way to get my mind out there and then once my mind is out there you know just to get the lamp to get the sheep away and it's like and i'm just a fool i didn't know i didn't believe in anything you know i was just like i don't know who i am what am i what is it like just utter confusion and it's just like oh yeah you're you're you're a pervert remember let's go do some [ __ ] yeah yeah that sounds good let's try that bad idea yeah but i want to say something to you it's very encouraging very encouraging okay because i went uh you know i went into mortal sin with all the the depravity and whatever of uh my own lust okay and um when i got most recently got back into the state of grace and i sort of said screw that that's demonic and whatever as i always knew it was but when i said i've had enough of eating my own vomit and in the mucking mire um it's changed my perspective now on my scrupulocity i'm not as scrupulous now about the little things like you said you were scrupulous oh i smoked a cigarette i must be going to help no no no no now when you come out of this funk can you still hear me by the way yeah yeah i can hear you i said that my wife is uh uh she needs something from me i just have to send her a photograph but yeah i can i can uh i can see you yeah but when you come out of this funk and you get back in the state of grace and you're walking with christ um you're gonna have a new perspective on the little things that you were scrupulous about before i think because that's how i feel now i'm just so happy to not be in that place where the devil can just flood my mind with pornographic images of sex and violence like i'm just so happy to be like now i can sort of see the difference between a state of grace and state of mortal sin because before i was like oh i did this uh you know i was impatient with my wife i must be in a state of mortal sins i'm going to go confess it i still confess it but now i know i'm not in the state of mortal sin i know i know it's immoral being mean to your wife it can be but i mean i can feel i can feel the difference now i can feel the difference because i've experienced recently mortal sin it's disgusting like when you're in that state you're disgusted with yourself but if i lose patience with my wife which happens almost every day i can patch it up with her and i can patch it up with jesus i'm not in a state of i'm not in i'm not going to go to hell i know i know the difference right because it's just like it's it's it's a hopeless place when you're when you're someone that's trying to be christian and you're in mortal sin you feel that hopelessness you feel that despair you feel that self-disgust and when you get clean and you get you confess your sins you just feel back in the state of grace and of course there are temporal punishments for those sins that are going to come back to bite you later but whatever you accept them with joy like that's just that's my karma i got to deal with it yeah you see you see the difference so like i think this experience of uh turning back to your vomit i think ultimately it will help you it will help your spiritual battle this is what one of my priests told me he said david you're very you're you're a very experienced warrior with the spiritual battle and you have you have what it takes to win and i think you're gonna go to heaven because you fight right yeah you fell yeah you fell and i confessed to him on a couple of different occasions so he knows the depravity of my mind and i did i've done a general confession i told him all the sick stuff i've done since my youth right sexual stuff primarily but he said you're a warrior and you know you know you've gathered some fresh experience here and you have you know the enemy a little bit better and uh i have every confidence you're gonna go to heaven because you you love christ and you came and confessed your sins and you've made a good confession and you're contrite and you hate satan and his lies and you know you're disgusted with sin and it's like so now i i have a really strong contrast between that disgusting state of mortal sin and just the venial sins that i commit every day all day every day gluttony and laziness and all those sorts of things like there's a big difference and i just feel a lot less scrupulous and i think you will benefit in the same way when you come back into a state of grace i'm not saying you're not in the state of grace i don't know what you're saying i'm probably not i'm probably not um yeah yeah i want to get to confession now it's been it's been a couple of years do it i know maybe maybe a year but there's been some yeah there's been some doozies yeah there's been some doozies yeah and it's always funny you know telling the priest like the stuff i'm telling him he's just like oh like big fish yeah but they're always so nice and kind and uh yeah it's like my one one of the priests uh father tom the guy from india he he was a little like like kind of looked at me like but he's the one who i gave like the whole story to he's just like you're a piece of [ __ ] no uh but he had some clear like this is what you're going to do you're going to because you did this sin you're going to make it like he was kind of stern but still in a loving way but i thought it was freaking awesome cool did you do your penis well it was kind of like a um a lifelong thing okay of um are you doing it taking care of kids uh and making sure that my kids are raised in the church good and stuff so i mean as far you know i mean it's are you doing that i'm doing the best i can with that uh you know so uh yeah so there was that you know because i've had many abortions under my belt and all sorts of you know you know abandoned kids and stuff and so yeah so that was like that was like a big deal you know just to well now for the rest of your life you're going to uh you know you're going to be there for these kids and you're going to certainly show up and you're going to be yeah i think you know as far as my kids are going pretty good except for when i go on my little uh escapades you know and that that's kind of screw screws everything up because they don't they don't know my my little uh my sons love me to death i got two-year-old and an eight-year-old yeah and uh you know and my wife and i are separated right now and they you know they want daddy to be there all the time stay at night do all the stuff with them and and uh my sin is you know affecting them and effects just left a wake of destruction and it's like i just have to realize that when i'm out there because it feels like i'm just doing this me what it doesn't have to do with anybody else i'm going through some whatever problem that justifies in my mind going in and uh imbibing and enlisting substance which then makes me lose my freaking mind and then i go do crazy [ __ ] but in my brain it's like oh it won't be like that this time just do a little bit yeah yeah yeah that's how deceitful our our hearts are well i have to also recognize you have to recognize a lot of evidence the voice of the demons too right the voice of the demons yeah it says they lure you like in james it says uh you're lured away by your own uh evil desires so the desires are present in our flesh already and then you just think of that little fishing lure you know hey you know they're they're just luring you out and what are what are fishermen luring the fish to be their friends now they want to kill the [ __ ] see that i mean so it's the same thing wow yeah wow yeah well but uh you know you know right i know but that's the problem is that i know david i i knew i knew already yeah you know that's that's the the tragic part of it is that um but when you're fed up and you're tired of it you're just tired of the same old trap falling in the same old trap you just get tired of that you're just like i'm done i i know your tricks i'm done with it i know it's empty and hollow there's nothing good i'm not gonna have peace it's just gonna be the same [ __ ] every time and i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done so you have to reach that point where you're fed up and you're done and part of that is being scared because you know you only have so many second chances that's it that you gotta you gotta you gotta keep that fear alive keep that fear that's the fear of god we have to fear we have to fear offending god because he wants to save us but he will not force us to go to heaven he it's up to you it's really up to you you have to choose you have to make that choice make a firm manly choice be a man be a manly man and i'm one to talk because i'm not very manly man but you know when it comes to the spiritual life we have to we're given an opportunity to rise up and to be fully human and to be fully human is to have the dignity and to be we're made in the image and likeness of god and we're just gonna like be firm you know for once in your life just be firm and then one day at a time and when you taste the peace and the joy of walking with christ you'll lose the taste eventually you lose the taste for the baser pleasures and you know like you said yourself it's just so empty it's so disgusting yeah it's all a fantasy it's all just [ __ ] fantasy and he's laughing you know satan's laughing at you but you can have the last laugh by laughing at him because the deeper he's got his hooks into you satan and he's invested into you the more it's going to torture him and his minions the demons it's going to torture them for all eternity that you got away you got away the low-hanging fruit gets away somehow yeah like that we got this guy no problem they they have no idea they have no idea that you have even a chance of escaping from their snares because they think that you're easy they think you're an easy prey so the the um the torture that you're going to submit them to you have to think about that too like you are going to torture these demons for what they've done to you and the chaos they've introduced into your life and your family's life and your friend's life whatever that chaos that pain whatever that's gonna go away you're gonna be celebrating forever in heaven but the pain that the demons are gonna feel for having tricked you and for having messed things up for you here it's never gonna end so you do have the last laugh you do have the last laugh provided you choose life yeah and that's just funny that you use those words because when i was in the thick of it uh and pretty much i was you know dandruff dangerously close to completely like becoming apostate yep uh and you know i was just getting high doing my thing and doing all that stuff and i was starting to get like kind of normal you know and um and my wife who i cheated on and put it through all of this [ __ ] was still calling me on the phone and just yelling at me pleading with me saying those words choose life choose life and i i had such a um such armor like around my heart and my body like i was just cold turning to stone you know but her just choose life she was like pierced through that thing like you know in that dark cavern in my chest like a little ray came into my heart and it was my wife saying choose life choose life and i mean those i know those words were it was it was jesus christ it was god speaking to me through this woman are you gonna listen to her are you gonna are you gonna choose life because if you don't you know what you're choosing you're choosing death but those words uh you know they just rattled around in my brain for for a while and it was just like i gotta get the [ __ ] out of here i don't you know like you know when when that spell kind of washes off and you realize what's going on you know uh yeah and that's why it's just more confirmation you just saying choose life i know you know whatever but um it's amazing because it's just the same words the grace the grace that god gave you with jennifer is her name right yeah yeah i mean he's given you yeah it's like in my life and one of my kind of counselors that i'm working for working with um he says you know in my my whole life i've just been anyone who gets close to me i just you know you know i'll do something that to to make them leave be like oh you don't really love me you know um very insecure or whatever whatever that is but i push when people get close i i push them away or if i'm close and i feel attached to somebody and then i feel like they're turning for me bam i'll cut it off first because i ain't going to be the one getting dumped or i've never been broken up with i've left every chick in the dust i've cheated on every single girl i've ever been with and it's been a lot i've been in a relationship since i was 13 years old back to back unfaithful to everyone and i you know and i didn't even realize that until recently i'm working like kind of a where you do like a moral inventory and you write down everything you ever did then you have to share with somebody like you know what i mean it's kind of like your confession time but like in in detail which is terrifying but when i looked at that list on paper i was like holy [ __ ] uh yeah i see some patterns here and um i don't know that's the depth of the mercy and the love of god right there on the paper man yeah well you just see it and uh yeah it looks ugly on paper you know it's uglier in real life though yeah i was gonna that was that was going somewhere but i lost my train of thought there but uh uh we're talking about the grace of having a beautiful wife a christian oh yeah yeah okay so anyways uh and i shared that uh list with that guy and we were talking about it and he and he just noticed that that like i just destroy and sabotage all my relationships and all that stuff because you know i don't want to be vulnerable and all that crap but he said god's given you someone in your life who you burned the house down around her you punched her out you've done every single thing you know it's like basically like are you going to stay or are you going to go like even kind of kids will do that you know they'll push away to see if you really love them or something like that but he said he gave you one that's going to stand there after all that [ __ ] and look at you say now what i'm still here [ __ ] you know let's let's do this and it's true like she is that and it as much as i you know have resented her and all of this stuff but seriously man she's she's like helped me so much even her nagging and stuff i like it kept me wobbling straight like i hated it and i get mad at her and everything like that but it's like she was my external brain for a long time like i'm just very you know immature and makes stupid decisions because you know i don't know just halfway [ __ ] or something or whatever you know just the way i've lived my life i'm just i don't know i had a lot of growing up to do and she she's like always kind of kept me grounded and stuff and it's just like that is a huge grace and and what did i do i i like stuck it to her dirtier than as dirty as you possibly can does she know everything honestly she knows it all that's one thing i could i couldn't hide it you know like after all this stuff i'm like oh i'm not telling you this time like uh you know she doesn't need to know it's just going to hurt her more or something like that but it's just like then she'll just point blank ask me looking me right in the face and like [ __ ] okay but i came out and revealed everything uh as it was going on um but uh yeah so it is it is i'm i'm very blessed to have her and i mean i don't know if it's going to work out we're separated but we both kind of want reconciliation and uh yeah there's just there's so much damage done like uh it's going to take a long time till uh you know things get better but the guy who's working with me that same counselor he went through a similar thing where he had like a long-standing affair with his wife who's just a total sweetheart and it's just a total dirt bag and now their their marriage is stronger than it was before they went through all that [ __ ] and they just kind of have a ministry helping people who are in that um hopeless marriage scenario and they're they're very powerful they're they're super cool that's going to be you and jen in a couple years huh yeah it isn't that yeah i think wouldn't that be that'd be amazing it's like oh because you always want to what's my ministry going to be what's what's god can use he uses your your your flaws mistakes and the pain and suffering that you go through self-inflicted or not and then turns that into an opportunity to bless other people who you know yeah you understand where they're at yeah so amazing hopefully anyone are you are you in one on one with this guy or you're in group yeah one-on-one yeah and then i'm doing you know 12-step like a christian version of the 12 steps same gang that you were with a couple times before yeah yeah a couple guys from a few of the local churches and we get together and do some stuff it's pretty cool it's actually pretty lame but it's just i have to i have to show up and just being in the community is beneficial you know like-minded people trying to deal with all this [ __ ] too but as far as like the actual experience like literature and stuff it's just kind of like it's kind of cheese cheesy it's uh no it's just the discipline and the uh yeah encouragement and being honest being able to go to a group of people and just say all right this is what i did this week accountability yeah and then they're like oh man are you kidding me get out of here you know they're just like yeah i meet you you know and i go to one called uh pure pure desire ministries which is um geared it's kind of a psychological and christian approach to uh sexual uh purity and uh like people who have porn addictions yeah or people like me you know that just went to do the real deal because it's funny i'm in a group of guys and they're like i watched porn two times this week or something i'm just like that [ __ ] you feel guilty about watching this like i'm doing that [ __ ] oh it's way worse and they're just like oh you know i don't i don't know but it's kind of cool that's your song being the most [ __ ] up guy in the room all the time yeah yeah well they do they're doing the uh social distancing six feet of separation with you that's for sure they don't want to catch foodies man catching me that stuff man like i don't blame you i don't want it either but yeah um yeah so you know it's interesting but it's actually a good one if anyone's interested pure desire ministries it seems very helpful it's very intensive there's like a lot of homework and [ __ ] good place to meet uh horny chicks no yeah no it's all it's uh yeah they don't they don't it's segregated i'm kidding i'm kidding we're going to find some loose women around here yeah purity.com yeah [Laughter] swipe left swipe right you can swipe me any way you want no i'm just kidding but no uh you know uh i thank god for these organizations and do you have to pay money for these things uh yeah the pure desire i mean you got to buy the books and all that stuff that's kind of expensive but yeah which is kind of [ __ ] but i mean people you know they make their living selling books or whatever yeah but um it's it's pretty good um you know it just kind of goes into like uh most of the time when we act out sexually whether it's masturbation pornography infidelity all of that stuff uh usually that's just symptoms of some uh trauma or some kind of dysfunctional family setting or something that you never really dealt with but you just kind of built your you built your personality and your um your coping mechanisms as a small child and when you're a child your you know children are stupid so jade's picked now no but you know what i mean you built it on a faulty foundation and then you find yourself as a full-grown adult and you're still being uh you're still banging the heart heavily heavily influenced by those uh you know this coping mechanisms that you grabbed onto when you were a kid because it it worked and that you didn't really know any better but yeah um so it kind of helps you uh go back and deal and face that [ __ ] that happened to you uh because it's very common that you know there's there's there's some kind of trauma or something like that and going back there and and visiting that bringing jesus into that space and then just tearing down the house and rebuilding it on a good foundation the foundation of christ you know and rebuilding your thinking it's all about the mind because uh you know it's it is a battle of your mind you know we uh it says uh the daily renewing of your mind yeah it's just a it's it's that's all it is in renewing your mind uh just like how you know how the brain really works i mean you probably know better than i do but you have to actually form when you do certain actions it forms passageways in your brain to where you know you get that stimulus and it's going to go it's going to go down that road that's already built and so renewing your mind is is rebuilding uh new pathways in your brain i think it's pretty genius that the bible talks about it like that because that is what it is so by learning why you do the things that you do and where they stem from and then you can start being able to identify the triggers and all of that stuff early on and then taking a detour and starting to form another uh path of passageway or something which sounds cool to me yeah you know and it's it's hard for sure well the other uh tip and trick for this type of thing is what saint alfonso's lagree says what a lot of saints say it's like you have to recognize when [Music] when the i just got a live chat from my friend uh joe he said i'm david's biggest fan that's nice so thank you joe thanks for listening [ __ ] i'm his biggest fan [Laughter] we can have an auction later [Music] start the bidding in 15 minutes but um uh he says don't let the serpent in and the way you stop the serpent from coming in is you as soon as you see his little tongue flicking through the opening sorry for the visual imagery here but i was like with this as soon as you see his little flickering t tongue at the hole into your home you close that you patch up that little hole right away you don't let his head in because as soon as his head's in that's all he needs and then it can go all the way through right so this is like the image of the snake like the snake the reason he's so effective is because he just said well you're not going to do the whole sin you're just going to like be a tourist in this thing and you're just gonna check this out and you're just gonna do it's just this it's just that it's just two weeks to flatten the curve whatever right so um it's just one shot oh it's just two shots it's just three shots it's just four shots whatever like we can see satan that work with the whole covet thing too right the tyranny of the covet thing but it's just this it's just that and it's just like so what the saints say is as soon as you see as soon as you recognize the voice of satan you just stop it right there no i'm not even gonna do the first little tiny yes like the little innocent yes oh this is just an innocent suggestion this one's just well we always know it starts with an innocent suggestion we always know that and whenever i say yes to this innocent thing and then it just snowballs into something that's not innocent so it's just a firm no right from the get-go and in your case i think i think you recognize the voice i think you know that innocent suggestion i think you can recognize it and you have that little voice in your head that's saying yeah i know but i'm going to pretend that i don't know because i'm going to i'm curious to see if there is this exciting world right or whatever it is or experience or pleasure or whatever like that's exciting like it's exciting but oh i'm not excited because of the sin that i know is coming but i am excited for this other reason you know it's just like a whole bunch of lies and self-deception and you feel like you feel energized right like when you have this plan to sin but you're kind of telling yourself you're not you're not going to do it but you're energized you should recognize that energy and say this is agitation this is like an ungodly agitation this is an ungodly excitement and the pleasure that i'm foreseeing here is not a godly pleasure i'm just gonna say no right away like sorry because i've just i'm sick of that i'm sick of that i know how this ends and i'm just no it's disgusting i'm not i'm not there's nothing there for me i want the peace of god and i often say i'd rather suffer with christ than party with satan it's just like choose the suffering man just choose the suffering it's not that bad and like if the suffering is well i could be at the fun party and i could be with the fun people and the beautiful people and whatever it is it's just like it's not that much fun to begin with and it's not gonna be that much suffering to not go and to do something godly instead like and if it even if it is a lot of suffering like oh i sacrificed so much for you jesus christ like i didn't go to the party or whatever it is it's like if it really is a big sacrifice then congratulate yourself like you you made a big sacrifice for christ but you know it's not a big sacrifice you know it's not he's doing you a favor you know like yeah i really you know did some good stuff he's like yeah i just saved your ass dude you can do nothing for for god i mean just yeah try to cut back on the sinning like don't sin don't offend god and the thing you know like i get all that stuff and when i have these uh explosions of whatever when i kind of freak out and go do a bunch of stupid [ __ ] um it's usually you know my triggers are uh you know stress and exhaustion just physically exhaustion exhausted uh you know my sleep patterns suck i have a very physical job and then you got then you got the family stress and i got the daughter stress white stress kid stress parent stress all of that stuff and i'm just kind of lost in that and i start i don't know and then and then you get angry and you get irritable and all that type of stuff starts creeping in to where it comes to a boiling point to where i just kind of lose that rationality because i i know i know i do obviously i'd have to know but that's just the thing why the brain is so tricky and so stupid you know it i'm really good at tricking myself into doing some stupid [ __ ] and and and coming up these elaborate yeah this makes perfect sense i'm gonna go do this thing that i did a thousand other times and it always ended up this way no it's gonna be different this time i got a handle on it right here and i [ __ ] believe it for that you know and i know it's a choice but it's like i'm gonna have like what you're saying like i gotta i have to be able to to to uh take it down when when it's way back when it's just that little the little the little thought but those you know you're not on guard for that [ __ ] but i have to train to be on guard on those little things and and and notice it so you can because it's easy to cut it off when it's just a little thing but when it's a full-grown boa constrictor coming at you it's going to be a little more difficult you know what a battle man what a battle yeah can we all go through this and we're like i'm bored it's like not getting me [ __ ] bored this cosmic battle good and evil and all this crazy [ __ ] going on and you know life is a trip when when you're trying to well imagine a soldier just for a mat just imagine for a moment the sinner the criminal the rapist whatever it is who doesn't have any qualms about what he's doing he thinks there's no god i'm an ape you know that evolves into whatever and i'm maybe gonna come back in another life because energy matter energy is going to transform when i'm dead and i don't know who knows we don't know we can't know and and so i this feels good i'm going to do it and like yeah you know it's inconvenient for the other people involved but whatever i mean i have the opportunity and the power and it feels good and they they can make their own choices and they can defend themselves you know whatever like i mean i can't live their life i'm going to live my life and it's just like i'm enjoying this and they don't have any qualms about what they're doing whether it's in business or whether it's in their personal life or whatever it is right yeah so you need to think about that person that person is not tortured in their conscience right they don't have the grace that you have so you need to compare and contrast with them and say thank you god that i'm troubled i'm disturbed i'm wrestling i'm in a spiritual battle i'm fighting i'm losing but i'm fighting you know i'm losing but i'm fighting right what's what's the bad news bad news is i'm losing what's the good news the good news is i'm struggling so it's like you have to you have to thank god you have to thank god that you're struggling and you came so close to not struggling to giving up the struggle like you know it's an option even for you it's an option for you to give up the fight it's an option you can become that numb guy that's just like whatever i'm just an ape just eat drink and be merry tomorrow i die i don't i don't know is there a god is there an afterlife i don't know like you could become numb like that and just like no yeah you absolutely can and uh and i was thinking and this is just a side note it's kind of something stupid i was thinking of the other night and i know it's probably not you know theologically sound or something but i just have the idea of uh kind of what you're saying is we have the flesh it's just like our beast we're kind of part beast you know and in a way because we're making animal nature yeah yeah we have that we have the animal nature the animal is a beast and god's trying to separate us uh separate us from that beast side this the spirit versus the flesh right so and then how the uh you know in revelation it talks about do people receive the mark of the beast you know i don't know the beast is talking about some figurative you know world power or something like that but i was just thinking my head like the mark of the beast it's like yeah the mark it's like you're either choosing the spirit or you're going to choose to be the beast and live by those rules and by those things so it's like that that's the mark of the beast that you you will not inherit the kingdom because you've chosen to uh align with that beast yeah that beast you'll see exactly what you're saying yeah um i know it's probably just playing words but i thought yeah i think you nailed it i think that's an insight i haven't heard that before and i think that's it just came to me that i'm like that's the most practical application i've ever heard of that so that's uh thank you for that cool the lower in animal nature man because that i mean that makes sense that's cool oh yeah yeah that beast side and just going out there and doing all that monkey stuff i mean it's but yeah like you said there's people who that's their life and they're just fine with it yeah you know um you know and i guess that's good for them they don't have to worry about it until whatever but i don't know um but i do you know honestly anyone praying or whatever you know i i do feel um less sensitive to spirit um but i mean that that's a natural consequence of sticking your hand on the fireplace eventually you're not going to feel it burning anymore because you don't have any [ __ ] nerves anymore and that's what i don't want but i i really do you know matthew my friend uh joe says that he wants you to call into the atheist experience atheist experience right now and talk to matt dillahunty hunty yeah i talked to uh aaron rob i i biffed it so no one watch it i was total [ __ ] oh but yeah i would love to talk to old dale hunty he's a funny guy what would you say what would you say right now to matt dillahunty like as an atheist what would you say honestly because you've been through hell and back what would you say heart to heart sitting down with him uh in front of the fireplace uh not on the internet but just man to man what would you say i bet look man you know it's not you know just because your bald doesn't mean god doesn't like you so just forgive him and just he's got he's working it all for you know all things together for good so just stop it pretending you're bald just you still look good you got a nice round head you can thank him for that you know stop pretending god that's what he's mad about yeah yeah he's just like i got no hair there no god that ain't fair does he say that no you should ask him who are you angry at yeah uh like who's this god that you're so angry well he you know he it's all pride i think um but he he's just being skeptical so skeptical like and just i'll just have to be intellectually honest here right i have no evidence for this and that this and that but then he'll he'll then propose all of his um presuppositions uh for his world view that have no basis in anything too so it's just um it's just a game that he's playing with himself uh you know so the whole evidence thing he's skeptical until it's time to become skeptical of his own skepticism and then he's like no no that's an absolute there like you know it's just like well you should probably you know um that doesn't make sense but i think he's a smart guy and he's fun to listen to like i'd hang out with him for sure but um he's just like one of those ghosts in uh the great divorce by c.s lew