all right all right my brother yeah baby we're live I'm here with the famous Matthew Murdock hey all right hey buddy so happy to see your beautiful face yeah good to see you too man so many times I want to get in touch with you but it's just uh I just couldn't get my act together enough to do anything so here we are man yeah yeah yeah no problem you got to take care of yourself and uh it's a rough uh rough Journey that you've been on uh since what age remind me remind the listeners uh when did things start going South with uh drug use and stuff like that what what age were you you don't need to tell the whole story but how old were you The Ripe old age of uh uh 12 years old I think or 12 or 13 is when I uh first smoked some pot and got my first bag of methamphetamine so there's a love affairs wow yeah that's rough man and yeah I came from Catholic upstanding pillar of the community family and uh well I was adopted into that family as an infant but uh yeah so ever since then and uh my family I I they kind of turned a blind eye to it because they I was talking with my mother uh on one of these holidays and she was telling me about did it they didn't want it to tarnish their uh reputation in town so they just kind of you know we're in denial of the whole thing and when School teachers and stuff and Junior High or call and tell them I selling drugs at school and stuff they were not my boy you know just about disavow yeah yeah oh that's rough man wow so uh unfortunately you uh you mentioned that your father passed away when did your father pass away exactly he passed he passed away in April last year okay any unusual circumstances or it was just normal stuff well he was um he was morbidly obese so uh he was very the last five years he was pretty much stuck in the house and in his chair he could he could only pretty much get up and walk and make it to his chair in the living room and then make it to the make it to the bathroom you know he could take care of that but that's about it oh that's rough yeah so how old was he when he passed it was 77 I believe not bad yeah I mean he made it pretty he outlived a lot of his friends who were not in the condition that he was so that was kind of kind of thing I think God was showing him some mercy and um he we had a bad relationship yeah uh you know we were very closer kind of the black sheep obviously and then but the last few months of his life I was able to um I was going and visiting him and he was talking to me about he tell me stories about his childhood and stuff and we kind of bonded in that last few months uh prior to his death and uh had uh a better relationship than we probably ever had so it was pretty neat to be able to do that so foreign had to pray with them and he was uh he was getting a little you know he was uh kind of a nominal Catholic I think but I mean we went to church every single Sunday and all that stuff but we never talked about it at home I didn't really know he where he really stood on it and then when I became a um an on fire uh Protestant uh little baptist boy uh I would have I would just argue with him about why Catholicism was wrong and that he needed to be born again and all that stuff all the time we just argue about uh and then um but toward the end uh he was he was going to mass doing the online and he and my mom were Eucharistic minister so my mom could bring him the Eucharist uh and so it's pretty neat so he yeah I don't know I hope I hope that he was in good standing and I hope that he um I hope to see him in heaven but I think I will I really do hey we got our friend Kieran in the live chat he's saying hey yo all right our brother from another mother so yeah he's been looking out uh when's Matthew coming back when's Matthew coming back and his brother Aiden also you know his little his gay little brother Aiden right yeah I'm kidding he's the older brother I'm just kidding forever just bugging you and just bugging you yeah so we've been missing you everyone's been missing you and when I say everyone I mean me and the lesney brothers and uh Nick crisic and uh Hey holy cow our friend uh um Nick stump Hauser I just realized I just realized he's co-director co-writer of died suddenly I can't believe it that's huge huge really huge movie like uh in the sort of coveted Community or whatever you want to call it Freedom Fighters Community that's a huge huge documentary film I don't know if you've seen it yet I knew that kid was going places anyway you're gonna stop also have you seen the film I have not but I'm gonna I'm gonna write it down uh what's it called yeah I'll send you the link it's about uh it's about all the blood clotting mainly that uh we're starting to see uh in those who passed away uh ever since the vax rolled out so correlation causation who knows but uh it's definitely disturbing very disturbing have a barf bag handy when you watch the film okay all right cool uh so uh yeah man uh the game what I've been saying is just the gang the regulars uh on my podcast they've been just wondering how you've been doing they've been praying for you obviously and uh thank you wishing you well and you look good I have to say you look very good I was expecting like bags under your eyes and uh I've been uh sleeping it off the last few days but honestly I'm not good at all man I'm not I'm about to run about 40 pounds light I'm Skin and Bones um yeah oh yeah yeah I usually I got those big nice chubby cheeks and trying to get them back but uh a little bit of a beard then yeah but uh in terms of the weight losses and anxiety nervousness what is it you're uh are you a jittery farewell it was uh it was the drugs you know I uh I was fighting it I've been fighting it ever since the last time I was on whenever like this that was around when I first started relapsing because I had a good a good chunk of sobriety there about nine years and then uh went off the rails a little bit when I got divorced I you know I committed adultery to my wife I did all sorts of things uh horrible things because uh what proceeded that was you know I was kind of losing my uh losing my faith I didn't really I didn't know where to go you know I I didn't really believe in the Bible much anymore and uh once I lost my footing there it was just like the devil is able to uh really uh confused me and send me off off into the deep end you know this is some that new age New Age stuff which just leads right to uh you know it's pretty much just Satanism mass in a different way just it's just it's just out of confusion plausible arguments are confusing and just had my head spinning and I was just I found some real deep darkness and then I was just uh kind of on my own out there um separated from the church separated from my Christian brothers and sisters uh you know and I eventually just leads to you know suicide and all of that stuff I've had uh and in this last about two weeks ago I completely lost my grip on um on reality and had a like a public uh kind of suicide thing uh happen uh I mean I was completely out of my mind it was the most terrifying she's ever had it's like the demons were just bringing me into hell and I was in this weird kind of haunted house movie and I was like screaming at people in Walmart and I couldn't even put a sentence together dreaming and blubbering and Howling those guys you see on the on the street uh howling and swatting at bats that aren't there that was that was me and um God I don't know I just us being tormented by those uh those familiar demons that have been with me my whole life and um it was it was so I can't explain how terrifying it was for me um and I thought oh man and God graciously brought me out of it somehow uh you know I I attempted suicide but you know injecting some weird stuff directly into my uh into my arms and it just kind of just destroyed my uh my whatever the system on my in my uh left arm is just completely pretty screwed up and um so I did not die but um I definitely should have according to the professional opinion and uh I know that's God uh being gracious to me and um I just knew I knew that maybe I had another shot to be in good good standing with God and be back in the family and then 10 days later I have a needle in my arm again so I said I'm going to die and I was trying to find help and not really getting any help uh in town so uh then I got a number to this this place and they said uh hey why don't you give these guys a call and I did and they had me on a plane and less than one day they had me on a plane out here to this facility that I'm at right now um in Las Vegas and um it saved my life pulled me out of there and got me out of you know so I'm about eight hours away from home um so you know jumping the fence and calling up my cronies is uh a lot more difficult when I'm this far away from home so that's a good thing too and uh and then right off the bat when I got here I met some solid Christian guys and they prayed for me and uh they're in rehab yeah or some of them are people who were in the program but they come back and they kind of like okay they they leave the little 12-step group type things and I did a couple of them prayed for me and uh all of them have the exact like pretty much all said the exact same thing so I think it's the Holy Spirit you know God um talking to me through these people saying that you know it's the enemy telling me that it's all done that God hates me and I'm going to hell but it's just repent and follow God and for me to come out here because I had a very good high-paying job I worked my way up like I became a journeyman uh plumber pipefitter so I had a badass apartment nicest place I ever stayed you know high-powered job making tons of money I had my daughter Nadia back living with me but I mean I was just uh you know shooting street drugs for this last little run was just for a few months straight just every day and somehow pulling it off and maintaining my job but for me to come out here I had to make a decision I lost everything said I'm homeless penniless jobless and my kids are all my sons are with their my ex-wife and my daughter Now with uh my mom again so I had to come to that point where it's like when Jesus says you have to forsake everything that you have to be my disciple or at least be willing to I think and I had to come to that point because I'm like well who's going to take care of me I'm gonna be homeless I'm going to be this and that blah blah blah blah it's like that's basically how a faithless person would act or think so I'm just in God's hands I had to let everything go and that's where I'm at I'm you've always had the faith but uh I know what it's like to uh have one foot in both camps where you you know you are willing to Dance with the Devil like not to the same extent you have obviously uh Nicola chrisek says uh Brothers peace of Christ to you both love heart emoji love you Matthew continue the good fight smile face emoji so uh you're getting lots of love here and uh you know I I can sympathize with having uh being of two minds being uh being weak being a center a liking pleasure and wanting to escape reality these sorts of things it's just like it's just very very obvious to me that that's what my heart's like my heart is corrupted more than yours it's just that you are strong so you can inject all kinds of weird [ __ ] into your veins and I can't I'd be dead man you're dead but you're strong so God's letting you dabble a little bit more in the hardcore stuff whereas if you know if I have two cups of coffee I'm pretty much dead so yeah yeah I was uh at the end just it was like I would I was doing the amount of uh very dangerous drugs uh probably kill a small village like seriously people are just like it's almost like they don't believe it but it's just like this is what I what I was doing and it it's uh it's just God's mercy man and if he did it yeah he loves us man like he he seems like he just won't let me die not yet not yet not yet you know people shouldn't worry too much people shouldn't worry too much they should take care but they shouldn't worry too much about like when I'm gonna die what's gonna happen what am I gonna eat and all these sorts of things and you you've got a big pair of kahunas there to uh take the leap of faith and to say you know what I'm putting God first because that's sane and that's healthy and uh if I don't I'm gonna kill myself and go to hell so it's like it's partly selfish but the Saint Augustine said intelligent self-love is exactly that putting God first it's putting God first and commending other people to God he said that is the heart and soul of True Religion it's where you choose God and you tell other people to choose God it's really simple you know so uh I'm proud of you and I haven't lost a night's sleep yet over your Eternal salvation because I I know you're a warrior and I know you're suffering a lot and you're making really stupid decisions all the time but who isn't you know it's just that your decisions are more exciting or whatever you want to say but uh you know it's like uh it's all relative to each person's spectrum and your your constitutional intestinal fortitude is just like you said miraculous it's nothing short of miraculous and you're not the only one I mean we can read about people like you in the history books and uh especially you know some of the satanists they really had a strong intestinal fortitude and hopefully they converted to before they died but um you know there's something to be said for the for the demons and how God uses Satan and the demons to stretch people and some people are really stretchy like you you're really stretchy I'm rigid like I'll just break so I God uses Satan and the demons to just sort of touch me a little bit and just you know very very gentle stuff but with you you're like Stretch Armstrong do you ever have that doll when you're a kid like that really stretchy doll yeah that's you very interesting but yeah we're in we're all in the same cap it would be tempting for you to say to get either big-headed and proud about it like wow you know or to go the other way and say well I'm the worst sinner ever and uh it's all you have to you just have to bear in mind it's between you and God and just pretend like no one else exists it's just a big dance between you and God and it's like he's he's just asking you time and time again day in day out do you love me do you really love me do you really love me are you sure you love me hey yeah remember me like hey yeah peek-a-boo and he's very gentle and kind when you come back to him there's no chastisement there's no rubbing your nose in the filth like he could do he could make a really good PowerPoint uh slideshow of all your scenes right and just walk you through it and pin your eyes open so you can't blink or turn away and he doesn't do that no that's what the demons that's what the devil does the whole time is um we're lured out by our own evil desires we're lured out there by something like that and and in the devil and that will just kind of lures you off the path a little bit and then once you're out there like we'll entice you to do the most horrible things that you would never do and then as soon as you do it he's like exposes you and then it's just shaming you and telling you oh yeah God's done with you you think you're hit you're mine your mind you're a piece of [ __ ] you can never turn back to him don't even look up in the sky don't even do any of that stuff you know and it's all a lie but it's really easy to believe that you know it's like the truth he uses what the devil says is absolutely true but minus God's mercy and God's love for us I think you know yeah yeah yeah well it's humbly very humbling and proud of you everyone watching will will know we're looking at a superstar here you know it's not you it's God it's the fact that God's grace and mercy is just overflowing it's amazing yeah so proud of you brother so good man to us I can't believe it two times it's just what it comes down to but you're right he's just always there um gently leading back but now that I'm back I am back and it's amazing uh and I don't have any questions about faith or anything it's also stupid I see it because you know and then I had I had one real good Catholic brother I was trying to get on your show he's kind of an odd duck and he's just like oh I already agree no now I wish the urn he's like too humble he's like well what would I have to say no one cares what I have to say put you on there kid but I'm like no Ernie go on there and just say hi just he but he has a flip phone he doesn't even know uh he doesn't know he doesn't like technology he's just like oh internet thing oh no but he's still he's still been in my life he calls me tells me he loves me he's just like oh oh yeah he's uh there Ernie's there he's my he's my my hero my dad he's like my like my dad in the faith like my uh he's he's I love him I think he's just saying man I really do and then I have my other brother he's like a doctor and he's like super smart but he's just like he's been my pullback to the Catholic church because he he just converted oh no yeah he just converted within this last year and he's like he's he's going hardcore into it and uh he's just like and you know me my whole life and he's just someone like he's like Matt only there's only he's because he knows he says you're dealing with the big dogs and there's only one place you can go that has the power to ship those staff and demons out and all that stuff he said that's the church that's you know the Catholic Church you know and uh and yeah and it's great you know it's like he's the one that made sure I have my like just the other night I contacted him he's like well where's your Rosary where's this have you been reconciled to the church what the f are you doing like he's he gets on my ass off he's like okay yeah great you know it's like God's got me and I've always got you and your uh the great talks we've had I mean I've never forgotten any of that stuff and I've carried everything with me and uh I've gained a lot of wisdom from you through the Holy Spirit um I called you back to the church as well and I really think I I like I think that you know I'd be okay I know that I could be okay with God and so staying with you know new Protestant things and everything that but I just want to be okay I want to be in full I want to just do whatever he wants me to do and if it's submitting to the church great you know I I think submission is freedom I can see it now because my my wanting to manage everything is is rebellion and nothing ever goes right and I'm so tired dude like I'm doing it my way and like so watching everything fall apart it's like all I have to do is give up like right now just [ __ ] it I have no apartment I have nothing just just take it all take my car man everything everything I've built and the squirrels just the castle of sand it doesn't mean anything and if I keep holding on to that it's just gonna be it's so miserable I'll just give up okay it's on him now it's on God all I have to do is just do the next right thing one one step at a time just whatever the next right thing is just like I'm not I'm gonna lie am I gonna lie about this little stupid thing or am I gonna just tell the truth one little Snapper I'm not gonna take cuts in line in A little soup line that we go do or just stupid [ __ ] like that the next right thing it's nothing glorious it's just and that's all I have to do just be led right I mean yeah and I'm taking active steps I'm walking closer to God and it says you know if we we draw near to him he's Drawing Near to us so Aiden Aiden's in the chat he says what he says tell Matt I love him so obviously he already know that but Aiden is in the live chat now so uh yeah you got so much love everyone that everyone that lays eyes on you or listens to you falls in love with you I mean that's my experience anyway I don't want to over generalize but uh you gotta you've got a big heart and uh you know do you do stupid things yeah sure but whatever I mean really we're on a journey Matt we're on a journey and it's exciting it's dangerous and if someone doesn't realize that life is a dangerous and exciting journey and they should tune in and listen to you on any of the episodes you've been on with me uh they'll see that life is dangerous it's an adventure it's exciting and you better wake the F up because and fast because uh it's serious serious business and uh there's a dark dark dark World awaiting those of us who you know who love self unto contempt of God we have to love God unto contempt of self and those are the two options Choose Wisely choose life it's very simple yeah when it seems stupid almost it seems like when you're in your flesh it seems dumb like like for me I just was like oh I'm gonna just give up my livelihood that I I made who's gonna take care of me I'll be I'll be languishing out on the street and I'll be dying homeless and starving no dude that's what's gonna happen I'm going to be destitute without God if I if I don't give all that stuff up like anything you put above your relationship with him you're going to lose it so my kids and my wife my this and that it doesn't none of that stuff matters without my relationship with God it's like and that's what Jesus said it talks about like don't worry about what you're going to wear what you're going to eat so like God takes care of the freaking the stupid crummy birds in the in the in the field like they don't have to do anything the the dandelions are beautiful and they don't have to worry about this and that and it's just like well yeah right that's not how life really works but it is how it really works you know so it's a hard it's a hard it doesn't make sense to to normal uh worldly people or how things work but it's like well we we're not part of that Kingdom we're part of a supernatural Kingdom that has weird this weird like upside down rules and laws to it you know like God kind of flips everything up to his head like the Y's become fools the fools become wise type of a thing like yeah it seems very fool should I would just ditch all my everything and then come out to some place where I don't know where anything else is and just be destitute you know but that's how that's how it is right I mean that's kind of the gospel or for you know it's it just seems very backwards for sure Nicola chrisek says you need the bread of eternal life the Eucharist after confession so what's your plan with confession and the Eucharist to strengthen your soul well my buddy my my friend Steve Dalton is his name the one that I'm telling is really on my he's already he's already looked up the diocese Church the everything the the masses of the reconciliation like I got it all I got it all mapped out like I have to um I say um well right now I'm on I'm on kind of detox bed rest uh uh phase of the program so I'm kind of like stuck in here and I can't leave which is good because if I if I left right now I'd be on drugs in five minutes and be in sin city with you know a couple bucks in my pocket I'd be you'd never you would never see me again nobody would uh so that's good so I gotta stay here for a couple of weeks and then as soon as that that's out you can go you're allowed to leave the property and uh go to like meetings or go to church and stuff so I got it all mapped out to where I'm gonna go and uh how how far away it is and uh I'll be uh you're in for it man uh the sacraments and to go there and to uh and to get get reconciled with the church when's the last time you were in confession I know you've gone and I know you told me about the priest or I think there was an Indian priest Indian East India oh yes or something like that yeah what was the very last time you went and uh like how long ago was that geez it's probably been well at my dad's funeral and and uh uh it was all it was at the at the church and stuff so I I took the Eucharist then so that was in April so that's probably the last time I've been in confession it's been probably a month or so before that so it's been over almost a year over a year okay okay that's not that long I mean uh you can't yeah I mean I'll tell you too because I I don't I don't care about my my stupid reputation anymore you know I I did I did some horrible things and if the fans want to grab their barf bags they'll tell you everything about if you want to know but not to glorify the sin but be humble show you guys I'm not I can't I can't I can't try to lie to protect my image I can't do anything so this is online I don't care if anyone sees it but you know I've I've broken pretty much every commandment for sure broken uh it's been horrible it's uh yeah so I mean I I need the confession but I just hope but I have prayed to God and I confess to him in that way but you know there's a difference I remember when when Father Tom that Indian guy told me he's like Jesus Christ is right here and by his authority I tell you you're forgiven you know like there was so much power in that uh there I know and I I miss it and I really need it and uh and and something that would always just come up and be more important on a Saturday like I'm gonna go to confession I really need to go to confession and it's like oh whatever it happened and I just wouldn't go and then another week and another month and now Years Gone by it's just I'm going for it as soon as I can yeah yeah well just no just know that the church teaches that your Protestant style confession to God does matter it does count provided you have the intention to go to a confession in a sacramental confession as soon as you as you can you know so it's like that's that's where you're at right now you know you're you're broken and you're humbled and uh that's why God let you sin like a maniac because he knows it would break your heart he knew it would break you break your ego with your pride like that's just like okay you want to play go play I'll see you later yeah yeah absolutely that's all that goes back to you is this Pride spiritual Pride that's such an evil thing and it's such a backdoor way for the enemy to get you completely away from God and that's that's why God hates it I think it's his number one the number one thing that'll keep you from having is pride okay and it's many many different forms it's it's spiritual Pride oh look at me who knows so yeah yeah so I have the plan and I'm sure that I bet the church out the the I bet it's awesome thing I don't know anything about it but I'm not sure that there's in such a wicked place as this that there's going to be this church is just a Powerhouse out here yeah I mean I've been to Massachusetts Vegas actually I've been to mass in Vegas you have yeah oh yeah so you came up you know what was that what happened there when was this uh oh it was a horrible uh the mask was good but the the Vegas in general I was just like I was fresh off my conversion it was like in 2010 or something I had converted into 29 2009 and I'm just walking around just like prostitutes half dressed handing me little business cards and stuff and I'm right I'm with my wife they're not shy right oh yeah yeah okay I'm with my wife they're handing me a card that was the worst part the worst part was seeing the actual like naked women dancing in the casinos like I mean I didn't go out of my way to see that it was like in the freaking right there like as a little teaser show to invite entice you into more I don't know what but um you know I'm not into drugs or anything but I'm kind of like weak when it comes to guarding my eyes when sexy women just walk around in the streets much less if they're naked like dancing in front of me so that was wrong yeah that was depressing uh being there my wife just still complains to this day how miserable I was the whole time we were there and she liked the lights and she liked everything and she could just ignore the prostitutes she doesn't care yeah yeah and that's the yeah that's it's really bad dude really bad Reno's not like that huh you're from Reno yeah Reno is like the dirty little the dirty little horse sister of Las Vegas it's like a miniature a minute for Vegas so it's like wannabe Vegas like going to a park or going to Disneyland the difference between that nature replica of Las Vegas so we have we have the legal prostitution we have you know the casinos in the 24-hour uh stuff I mean it's and it's getting way uglier by the the minute it's like a thousand times uglier than it was when I was like in my 20s going out to the clubs in Reno and stuff like now it's like it's it's really really bad I was out there a little bit doing some disgusting things just a little while ago and it's just like it is I mean it's it's as bad as it could be I won't I guess it could always be worse but I mean it's it's like any disgusting uh sin you want to get involved with this is right there too and like on billboards and stuff like that so it's it is pretty tough but uh bigger and worse Nicholas says you should use the Saint Michael prayer daily it's a very powerful prayer I agree I do pray two prayers to saint Michael every day let me write it down Saint Michael prayer okay I'll look it up a saint Michael thank you for uh suggesting that brother okay remember Nicola right I do I do I do yeah I sure do I remember I I remember all you guys I love you we're like a family like the Disney brothers and us and oh I mean we're I never forgot you guys and like we only met like online but you guys have shaped my life and I've thought about all of you and I've I love you I mean it doesn't matter how time has gone by it's the same thing I uh definitely love you and and you guys prayers honestly are probably what's kept me alive honestly the prayers of the Saints do something you know their their efficacious and that I know that they are and it's like uh I know that's why I'm probably still alive in my the bullet flew right by my head and scrambled your brain and came out your ear but somehow it's like you still look pretty good right out you're a cartoon character man yeah pretty much and that's my brothers and sisters praying for me it has to be yeah you know well I thank God I thank God for the people who sent you out here and I don't know how you're going to repay them I guess repay them with uh by paying it forward but you have to remember also the uh holy souls in purgatory that are suffering they can't pray for themselves but they can pray for you and you can pray for them and I don't know how strongly you believe in that but uh it's very very powerful like they're just there it's just like this huge Warehouse of Grace that's just ready all you have to do is ask so you pray for them and you ask for them to pray for you and it's a wonderful exchange yeah so yeah tap into that tap into the Purgatory I I didn't I don't know much about it but that sounds amazing and I will I will definitely do that you know I just I just I'm very ignorant about all the awesome things we have available to us and that we can help those people get out and my dad might be there you know possibly no because he he was pretty carnal uh in his in his uh the way that how we would talk and stuff and it you know but I think toward the end it seems like he was repenting a little bit I hope oh yeah yeah I wouldn't worry but I wouldn't worry about that I mean uh God only knows but uh let's just give him the benefit of the doubt because it's that's what we're obliged to do we have to give the benefit of the doubt not because your dad is a superhero of the book because God is amazing and uh Aiden actually is going to do a nice gesture for you he's going to send you uh you can privately send him your address a mailing address he's going to send you a rosary he actually makes rosaries you already have one you have one but it would be nice to have one from your brother there oh I would I would I'll cry right when I see it man honestly before what's that mess on mask that's the saying they use here in Montreal when people are all messed up on mescaline oh mess on mask and mess up yeah did you do mescaline no I never really um I never came across it but I would have if I had for sure probably probably yeah and the thing I had my sights on was that DMT that was like the only thing and I was gonna go for it because it's all over now but I'm glad I didn't because oh man I'm my my mind is just scrambled it's fragile oh man I don't I honestly didn't think I'd come back from from that that mental break being it was so scary man it's like just just like living in the Nightmare and you cannot get out I couldn't escape I couldn't use my phone because I couldn't make the work I couldn't make I couldn't put a sentence together but I'm trying to scream all I did was doing was howling screaming help me help me guy like I was in a Walmart parking lot driving around tearing my car car apart like a madman when I see people I just jump out and just I guess just screaming help help help and uh begging him to help but they're just like like are you okay buddy you know and I can't believe the cops didn't come and I made it back to my apartment and I was in like I don't know if you're gonna watch any of the horror movies haunted Housey thing like I couldn't get out I was trapped there and that was my the only way out was to blow my brains out it was what I was being told you know in my head it's the only only one way out of here like I I try and run down this hallway and it'd be just it just would just unfold into into Infinity I can't get out of there I have my phone in my hand and like I'm trying to text text message anybody just to hear a voice someone to talk to me and but I pushed like an h and it'd be like a z like I couldn't I couldn't get out of it like it was just you know and then try to get to the door but it would be the wrong thing and it's locked and I can't get out I was just trapped there forever and ever and ever and ever to to live like that to screaming and howling and um somehow after a while that someone got through I got through to somebody and then they like facetimed me and then I got to just see another human being's face and they saw me and I saw them and it like it kind of broke the spell a little bit and um and I knew that I wasn't dead I wasn't stuck there forever and uh you know and that was just God's mercy reaching through to me I mean I was I was fully fully insane I've lost my mind like on drugs before like drug-induced psychosis but this was something it was it was not that it was it was different like it's like I've never experienced that that much Terror or just inability to to even talk or do anything it was so crazy my friend uh and yours Robert Reinhardt he's uh one of our family here he said he just said a prayer for you he was touched by your story and he said he's happy he doesn't live in Vegas sounds like a nightmare but um yeah it's uh it doesn't matter it doesn't really matter where you are it's just are you do you love God are you susceptible to Temptation and uh what's it going to take for Satan to lure you away and for some of us it doesn't take much the internet oh yeah and I didn't really know because I was never really a pornography guy but of course in using that I was just getting into really disgusting pornography and all that stuff and like yeah I mean you have that at your fingertips no matter where you are yeah and that's enough well that's enough to draw you in and completely ruin you Robert Reinhardt was saying about how he's got a solid group of friends since childhood that really helps keep him focused and it's true I mean it is true your story there about just wanting to have human contact so you can break the spell of Satan and his demons it's so it's so basic but it's so powerful because uh you know we're supposed to see Christ in our brothers and in our neighbors and no matter how downtrodden or how messed up they are we're supposed to see Christ in that person and we're made in the image and likeness of God and it's it's an antidote it is a powerful antidote now it doesn't mean that some people aren't going to hell it doesn't mean that some people don't want to help Satan bring your soul to hell but uh to reach out to a friend you know uh it's you're living proof that that is powerful it's amazing well I know I know that um sorry uh I know that um we we cannot make it on our own we need the body yeah like we were made to be in community with with the Saints and with with Brothers and Sisters in Christ and all that stuff like because I got so isolated from everybody and and people are you know it's like you said God said hello here I am like like people just come out of the woodwork and and I would just oh hang up you know they call and I just hang up their call or they would text and I just leave them on bread for for weeks and stuff but it's like I know that if I if I separate myself from the flock I'm you know that's that's those are the ones that the the Wolves will pick off is the weak secret ones that that wander away from the herd those are the ones that get eaten you know and uh we cannot make it without each other I know that for a fact now I need you guys you need me we need each other we like that's what we were made for that's why we have the body absolutely we think about the Sheep scattered without a shepherd and these sorts of images that are used in the Old Testament and then in the new one it's just like so clear it's so clear it's so palpable for you having gone through what you're going through hopefully that's the last chapter of The Adventures of Matthew Hardrock and uh in hell it has to be it has to be the last the Final Chapter because it's uh you know I'm reading I I was reading Alphonsus liguri one of my favorite Saints and he said to remind yourself that the mercy of God is the scariest thing it's not Satan it's not sin it's it's the mercy of God that's the scariest thing because you don't know if it's the last time he's going to offer you that Olive Branch and uh that's that's humbling that's sobering you don't know you've got a certain number and you're like you just cashed in again buddy you just cashed in again possibly for the last time possibly for the last time whichever way you go from here it might be the last time so if you stay in God's good graces it was still the last time but if you fall and then whoops you can't come back because he used up all your Graces that's the way it works that's the way it works so be afraid be very afraid of of God's mercy because for your benefit he's going to put a limit on the amount of Grace that he's going to give you because he knows that your eternal hell will be worse if he does extend more grace to you so it just cuts you off and then you're done and that's a that's a mercy too because that means your hell won't be quite as bad but uh let's while we still have the choice let's firmly decide firmly resolve you and I and everyone listening to never sin again venial sin mortal sin doesn't matter because we don't know how much grace we have allotted to us yeah sobering very sobering let me uh if if you would yeah references to that yeah send me some reference to that or say anything else uh to any any of the prayers any anything you think I have time here and this is the time that God's given me like a little incubator over here to yeah to get in touch with him and to start to make this a practice of my life uh my lifestyle uh needs to be surrounded with uh with with uh with these prayers and with all this stuff because I really need it right now I'd appreciate it and I'll send out my my address and all that stuff yeah everybody my phone number my phone number is probably still the same as the it's been the same for years okay uh but with all that figured out too so I can keep in touch with everybody uh I was thinking I don't know how Catholic this is but I was just thinking on a psychological level if you could make a little drawing or a painting or something it doesn't have to be good but just represents the darkest dark that you experience and your role in that nightmare so that you don't forget and so you know oh yeah uh this was real this this hellish nightmare was real here's like a drawing I made when I was in rehab and like I said it doesn't have to be a good drawing or artistic or whatever it's just like the Blackness of your experience with a couple of little key things in it that remind you that yes that was real and you were that close to being dragged right down into the the pit of Hell I don't know if you want to do that if it's too uh too heavy right now but it's an idea what I'm afraid of is that you lose sight of the reality of the darkness that's within you and that you know the grip that the demons had on you you know because it does happen you know I think that's what happened the first time because I mean I went through some stuff you remember my story from hey and uh yeah after you can get complacent or start thinking and start thinking like I was doing good because I I did it you know like like King I feel and I was like think of like you know Nebuchadnezzar how um he he was like overlooking his kingdom like look at this Kingdom that I've built I did this I did that and then God turned him into a beast about like eating eating grass and his fingernails grew out like Claws and his hair was like feathers like he was he was a he was the homeless guy that you see digging in the trash talking to people aren't there and swatting at invisible you know invisible bats he turned him into that guy six years and then restored his kingdom and that that was to teach him God was showing him this is what you are without me just just this disgusting Beast out in the field a madman and uh yeah so I I definitely have to fight against that because you know five years from now ten years before now however long Gods has me to live that's a long time to forget so no that's great that's a great idea we'll go I'll definitely do that whatever it takes to not forget and I'll remind you from time to time yeah if you start getting proud like look at me oh Christian and Catholic they were judgmental like everything that I judged everyone else about when I was doing good like adultery even you know homosexuality uh licentiousness all those things like I I ended up uh getting into all of that stuff uh just the most disgusting stuff and I was so proud and I I just I I just loved I I relished uh coming into contact people like that that means I didn't I didn't love this people I was judging him I was just like oh what a piece of [ __ ] like I'm you know I I would never do that I've never like but then then just being drugged through all of that stuff and then coming out the other end just like I'm a total piece of [ __ ] and God loves me you know like it it it it to just crushed that Pride took a lot it's like a lot and uh and yeah so I went through it all dude and uh it's uh it worked so now when I see this guys and I'm in the Pro some of those people are even in this program people who can who have destroyed their mind from drugs and they're just uh whatever or you know and the there's there's all of that so now I I get to be the guy I think my Ministry God's made it very clear my Ministry is going to be to uh be with those people the rest of my life and being pulling them out of the pit that's it being a part of him pulling them out of the pit you know just being that little one of the little links in the chain that's uh pulling them out and uh and that's great it's not a glorious thing it's not a something that's going to be televised and big it's like I'm going to be in the trenches and that's where that's where I want to be because uh I was also uh kind of Shanghai out in this little town uh like a few weeks ago like because my my friends were trying to help me so they kind of just left me at some some working Ranch for like that's like a Christian type of program working Ranch I only made it like three days because I was just dying out there and and out and still trying to manage everything and I'm like oh I gotta take I gotta get back and take care of Nadia in my car am I this my that but anyways I wound up just like stranded out in this little Podunk hick town and it was terrible it's like 13 degrees I didn't have a you know uh appropriate clothing I'm just freezing in front of Walmart I have no phone no nothing I just was sitting out in front of Walmart just crying falling just destroyed and and like and you know a thousand people walked right by me they're doing it was it was you know right but little is you know however close to Christmas time so everyone's just going through their Christmas shopping to see some broke down [ __ ] on the side of the thing just oh walk around don't look at him don't look at him and just that loneliness that I felt and I'm reading Lamentations out there in front of the store and it's just talking Lamentations just like look at all your enemies how they how they shake their head at you and there's no one to stop for for for Israel to give compassion and I was just that was mean there's only a few people that stopped and talked to me you know who they were they were God's people they were Christian people they're the only only people but only there's probably out of the Thousand that walked by and those I was probably there for four or five hours and it was very busy a little Walmart for a small town but um maybe three or four out of a thousand Christians and I think that's probably about the ratio that we have on this Earth of God's people you know and they were the only people that cared and uh that kind of taught me a lesson too and it also taught me a lesson like never ever walk by that guy again because I know I could get busy in a couple years having a new family maybe God If He blesses me that way but I mean I have no expectation of that but if he does and me being busy with my Christmas shopping and all my [ __ ] and just it'd be really easy just to walk by that that weirdo that's over there obviously just struggling and dying uh and just in in in in deep depression and sorrow and just like well well [ __ ] I got I got I got stuff to do I gotta get this got to get that but I don't have time to talk to this yeah it's like I'm never allowed to to walk by that guy again having to stop and and get show them some of the love of Christ and love love of God but even just by like hey man are you okay eating a sandwich or just acknowledging them because it's it was so it was so odd just being the Invisible Man there and I was just like this is [ __ ] you know and and that little town it was like they have all this Christian stuff all over like the um like you drive down the main the main strip of the of the town and it's just like Jesus saves and Jesus this Jesus that's like an old school thing like that and it's just like I was just like where's Jesus here man like I could I could I could pretty much I've just like slit my throat and bled out right there and like they probably just would have put like a you know just stepping right over me you know I was like that's such this just shows how cold the world really is and uh just showed me that I got to be there for those guys can you see the link I just sent you yeah just popped up can you uh uh follow the link and then read the poem uh hello uh wow I don't know how I'm gonna do that buddy that's not like flash up as a banner but I think if I oh crap it's uh it's uh I have to it's almost noon I have to go to my thing right now oh you do okay okay yeah next time we talk we'll uh we'll take a look at this poem that I sent you it's a poem about Jesus oh did you send it to to the email to my email I'll send it to your email right now so go do your thing and uh you got a lot of time in your hands right so we'll talk again soon right yeah yeah I do and uh usually I get off at uh so I'm gonna be actually starting the program tomorrow because they're giving me some time to to detox and stuff and I'm getting a lot better so I'll be able to do that and um yeah I'll have time I get off at like four every day and I know that's probably around seven year time or something and uh we'll uh we'll talk we'll do it again and we'll get the listening Brothers on we'll do a little uh Kumbaya man oh yeah I'd be so great man I love you all and thank you David thank you for your prayers you guys mean so me and I I just love you so much I'm so glad I'm so glad to still have you guys and be able to do this man because I just felt so alienated and cut off but I know that's that was just a bunch of [ __ ] and I don't have to go there again I don't ever have to do it again good yeah I love you I love you so much I thank God for you and your example and of the good stuff and uh your repentance your humility and I love you very much and a lot of people have been praying for you okay my brother thank you dude love you man we'll talk soon bye